Handling Sticky Situations

Remember how much you hated it when Aunt Myrtle kissed you? It doesn’t hurt to let your child know that you hated it, too, but that you put up with it. Tell your youngster that the best strategy in handling this situation is simply to try to avoid it by sticking out his hand to shake. If that doesn’t work, he can turn his head a little at the last moment so that the kiss becomes a brush on the cheek. This motion is also a way of communicating the fact that he doesn’t like being kissed. But, no matter what, relatives are going to kiss kids, and it is uncool to refuse or to squirm around like an angry eel.
Also, it’s okay for your child to tell you that Aunt Myrtle’s gift is silly or ugly, but Aunt Myrtle must never know. Your response is that not everyone shares the same tastes and that the important thing is that Aunt Myrtle likes you and respects you enough to give you a gift. Explain to your child that he should, at the least, thank Aunt Myrtle and say, “It was really nice of you to think of me.” If pressed, the child can say, “Of course, I like it. You gave it to me.”
On the subject of gifts, keep in mind that youngsters are often discriminated against in stores. Teach your children to speak up for themselves in the right way. If they can see that they are being passed over in favor of adults, it is okay for them to politely say, “Excuse me, I think I’m next in line.” If they are being ignored when no other customers are around, youngsters can say: “Could you please help me?” Teach your child to ask for assistance, rather than to try to get someone’s attention by coughing, for example.
If your child asks you whether it is okay to ask an adult to stop smoking, say, “It depends.” You can’t ask someone to stop smoking in someone’s home or in other private places where smoking is permitted. Tip: If ashtrays are available, smoking is expected and permitted. You can ask someone not to smoke in public places where smoking is prohibited, but you must do so correctly. Here again, coughing is not an adequate way to let people know that smoke bothers you. Tell your child to say, “Would you please stop smoking?”
but don’t make a challenge or an accusation out of it. A good strategy is to tell the child to imagine that he or she is saying something like “It’s raining outside” and say, “Would you please stop smoking?” with the same facial and vocal expression.

Relations with Adults

Kids and adults sometimes think of each other as alien species. This situation is tougher on kids than it is on adults because adults are bigger and know more. Both, however, tend to be a little uncomfortable when they meet for the first time. Adults may deal with this discomfort by saying dumb things like “Last time I saw you, you were wearing diapers.” Children sometimes deal with it by sulking or being silent or trying to be invisible.
This awkwardness is generally called shyness, and almost all children are afflicted with it to some degree. You can help alleviate this painful stage by passing along some of the following tips. However, your child or any young person will be on the way to overcoming the curse of shyness if you can get these two basic ideas across:

• Everybody, regardless of age, is shy to some degree around new people or in unfamiliar surroundings.
• Stop worrying about yourself and focus on the other people.

Here are my own helpful tips and tricks for young people:

Meeting someone new.
When young people meet someone new, they should ➤ Stand up.

• Shake hands. In the Western world, shaking is an almost-universal gesture of goodwill.
• Smile.
• Look the other person in the eye and say hello. Use Mr., Miss, or Mrs.

When in doubt, use Ms. (pronounced “mizz”).

Breaking the ice.
Teach your child to use the following questions to easily open a conversation with someone:

• Do you live in the neighborhood?
• Do you have children?
• How did you meet my parents?

Conversational tricks.
Young people need to know some of the conversational tricks we all use without thinking. Let them know some of the basics:

• People like to talk about themselves.
• People don’t mind questions, as long as the questions are not too personal (How much money do you make?) or downright rude (Why do you wear that ugly dress?).
• Many personal questions are okay to ask: Do you have any children? Do you live around here? Did I see you out running in the park the other day?
• Teach your youngster to become aware of the details that can spark a conversation. Remember that the idea behind all of this is not necessarily just to get your child to talk but to also get the other person talking.
• If you notice skis or roller blades lying around, for example, ask about these sports. If you just finished reading a book, ask the other person if he, too, has read it. Talk about the latest flick you’ve seen or one you’d both like to see.
• Listen carefully to the other person and don’t interrupt the speaker unless something important has come up that he or she should know. Then say, “excuse me.”
• The truth is that when people say so-and-so is a good conversationalist, they really mean the person is a good listener.

Relations with Adults

Kids and adults sometimes think of each other as alien species. This situation is tougher on kids than it is on adults because adults are bigger and know more. Both, however, tend to be a little uncomfortable when they meet for the first time. Adults may deal with this discomfort by saying dumb things like “Last time I saw you, you were wearing diapers.” Children sometimes deal with it by sulking or being silent or trying to be invisible.
This awkwardness is generally called shyness, and almost all children are afflicted with it to some degree. You can help alleviate this painful stage by passing along some of the following tips. However, your child or any young person will be on the way to overcoming the curse of shyness if you can get these two basic ideas across:

• Everybody, regardless of age, is shy to some degree around new people or in unfamiliar surroundings.
• Stop worrying about yourself and focus on the other people.

Here are my own helpful tips and tricks for young people:

Meeting someone new.
When young people meet someone new, they should ➤ Stand up.

• Shake hands. In the Western world, shaking is an almost-universal gesture of goodwill.
• Smile.
• Look the other person in the eye and say hello. Use Mr., Miss, or Mrs.

When in doubt, use Ms. (pronounced “mizz”).

Breaking the ice.
Teach your child to use the following questions to easily open a conversation with someone:

• Do you live in the neighborhood?
• Do you have children?
• How did you meet my parents?

Conversational tricks.
Young people need to know some of the conversational tricks we all use without thinking. Let them know some of the basics:

• People like to talk about themselves.
• People don’t mind questions, as long as the questions are not too personal (How much money do you make?) or downright rude (Why do you wear that ugly dress?).
• Many personal questions are okay to ask: Do you have any children? Do you live around here? Did I see you out running in the park the other day?
• Teach your youngster to become aware of the details that can spark a conversation. Remember that the idea behind all of this is not necessarily just to get your child to talk but to also get the other person talking.

• If you notice skis or roller blades lying around, for example, ask about these sports. If you just finished reading a book, ask the other person if he, too, has read it. Talk about the latest flick you’ve seen or one you’d both like to see.
• Listen carefully to the other person and don’t interrupt the speaker unless something important has come up that he or she should know. Then say, “excuse me.”
• The truth is that when people say so-and-so is a good conversationalist, they really mean the person is a good listener.

Speaking of Respect

Remember that you’re not dealing with a lower life form here. Children possess a basic, uncluttered wisdom. We cheat them by failing to share our losses and insecurities, our joys and triumphs. When you discover a commonality with your child, try saying something like “I know. I feel the same way when ….” Children’s questions may be blunt and basic, but often they want to know the same things as adults do. For example, a child may say, “Suppose I don’t know anybody at the party. Who do I sit with? What do I talk about?” You know how that feels, don’t you? But you might express it to another adult by saying, “Do you have any hints on how to work a room?”
Keep this point in mind the next time your child asks you a question.

The Most Basic Rules of Home Manners and Why

One of the most asked questions about etiquette is, “Why do we have these rules and what wise guy made them up?”
You can respond to this question by telling a story:
About 11,000 years ago, humans made a big change in the way they lived. They found they did not have to continually roam through the forest hunting animals and gathering nuts and berries to eat. Instead, humans learned about planting seeds and domesticating animals. They discovered that they could live in one place, and survival was not such a desperate daily struggle. They had more food, more leisure time, and a greater sense of security.
Soon after, humans began to develop ways of getting along with each other with as little fighting, anger, and confusion as possible. They even began to eat together at the communal table, and you can imagine what this would have been like without rules.
During the 11,000 years between then and now, the rules changed and evolved as ways of living and relating developed. But the reasons for these rules are as valid now as they were at the beginning.
Young people like things summarized. So you can tell them that two basic guidelines have held up through the centuries and form a dual bedrock of good manners:

• Be kind.
• Treat people with respect.

The second most asked question is, “What’s in it for me?” You can answer this question by telling your child: “Learning the rules of etiquette will give you self-confidence. If you know how to behave wherever you are, you will be more at ease, and you will be able to put those around you at ease. People will get the message that you are one together person.”
You can go on to say that another reason to know the rules of etiquette is that people will treat you with respect if you treat them with respect.

Manners at Home

“Why do I have to learn this etiquette stuff?”
“Because I say so.”
This time-honored bit of logical persuasion, like its colleague “siddown and shut up,” may end an argument, but does not create a wonderful learning environment. “When I was your age …” is not much better. (These tactics also weaken your position when you tell youngsters that the best way to make their point is to not yell or interrupt or make faces, but to listen to what the other person has to say before stating their ideas or point of view.)
The unspoken but mutually agreed-upon code of conduct that is the glue of a civil society is so much a part of our daily adult experience that we may have forgotten that we had to learn it, that children have to learn it, and that we have to teach them. No matter how cute their capers around the house might seem when they are very young, there will come a time—sooner than you may expect—when others will judge children harshly and, possibly, criticize them sternly for the sort of behavior parents may be inclined to overlook or dismiss as high spirits or “growing pains.” Thus, etiquette training begins at a very early age. We are teaching as we interact with children around the dinner table or in the playground. While we teach the rules, we also teach the reasons behind the rules, and what we’re actually teaching is respect for others.
When you begin to teach children about the idea of manners and the rules of etiquette, you can expect to be challenged. The challenge will almost certainly take the form of questions, and you had better be armed with some answers.

How to Address Religious Leaders?

The pope of the Roman Catholic Church is addressed as His Holiness, the Pope, or as
His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI, Vatican City, 00187 Rome, Italy.
A cardinal is addressed as His Eminence, John Cardinal Krol, Archbishop of Philadelphia.
A bishop or archbishop is addressed as The Most Reverend Thomas Jones, Bishop of Dallas.
A monsignor is addressed as The Right Reverend. A priest is addressed as The Reverend Father, a nun as Sister Mary Catharine, and a brother as Brother Thomas Mann. A member of the Protestant clergy is addressed as The Reverend Thomas Jones, with the letters D.D. after the name if the person has a doctor of divinity degree. An Episcopal bishop is addressed as The Right Reverend. The words The Venerable precede the name of an archdeacon.
A Jewish rabbi is addressed as Rabbi Thomas Wise, with degree initials following the name. A cantor is addressed as Cantor Thomas Wise.
The patriarch of the Eastern Orthodox religion is addressed as His Holiness, the Ecumenical Patriarch of Constantinople, Istanbul, Turkey. In this religion an archbishop is The Most Reverend, a bishop is The Right Reverend, and a priest is The Very Reverend. The rules and customs for addressing people and for extending and acknowledging invitations are not new. They have evolved over many generations and have come into existence for very good reasons. All of us care about how we are addressed, and part of having good manners is caring enough to address others properly.

Other Addressing Etiquette

Unmarried Couples
Address the envelope to a couple living together but not married with each name on a separate line, flush left, alphabetically, with no and between the names.

Children and Teens
Girls are Miss from birth until 21, when they may wish to be become Ms. However, girls’ envelopes are generally addressed by name only until they become teenagers, when Miss is used more often.
Boys are correctly (but not necessarily) addressed as Master until age eight, when that term is dropped in favor of the given name and no title. He becomes Mr. at age 18.

Messrs.
Abbreviated from the French for Misters (Messieurs), Messrs. applies only to brothers, not to other male family members like uncles or fathers. If the envelope is going to all of the brothers in the family, it is addressed to The Messrs. Smith. If it is going to two of the three brothers in the family, for example, it is addressed to The Messrs. Lawrence and David Smith. The same rule applies to Misses.

Esquire
Originally, Esquire was the title applied to a knight’s eldest son or to the younger male members of a noble house whose hereditary title was borne only by the eldest male heir.
The title is seldom used today and only if the person being addressed is a lawyer, male or female. It follows the person’s name and is usually abbreviated as Esq. It can also be written out in full in the address. Do not use a prefix (Mr., Mrs., and so forth) when Esq. is being used after the name. When writing to a lawyer and spouse, drop the Esq. and address the letter to Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.

Addressing Officials
The proper forms for addressing various officials follow. The honorifics, Mrs. or Ms., may be substituted for Mr. where appropriate. If the official is a woman, give her husband’s full name: Elizabeth Smith and Mr. Harold Smith. If the wife of the official uses her maiden name, use that instead of Mrs. Smith.

Etiquette in Addressing Doctors

When both halves of a couple are medical doctors, the envelope can be addressed as
follows:
The Doctors Peterson
or
Doctor (Dr.) Judith Peterson
and Doctor (Dr.) Michael Peterson
or
Doctors Judith and Michael Peterson
If Judith goes by her maiden name, the correct form is
Dr. Judith Holmes and Dr. Michael Peterson
If only the husband is a doctor:
Dr. and Mrs. Michael Peterson
or
Dr. Michael Peterson and Ms. Judith Holmes
The name with the title goes first. So, if Judith is the doctor:
Dr. Judith Holmes and Mr. Michael Peterson

Etiquette in Addressing Envelopes

Here are some do’s and don’ts on addressing envelopes:

• Type or write by hand all social envelopes. It’s okay to address an envelope by hand when the letter is typed. Neatness counts, however. ➤ Keep the lines aligned on the left or indent each line slightly more than the previous one. City, state, and ZIP code are on a single line.
• It is no longer necessary to write out the names of states in full. And the practice of writing out numbers in full in the most formal situations has virtually disappeared. People use numerals rather than risk trying the patience of the Postal Service.
• Middle names are not always written out on formal envelopes. For example, if Michael Jack Schmidt uses Michael J. Schmidt, follow his lead.
• The return addresses may appear on the envelope flap, but it is more convenient all around, particularly for the Postal Service, if the return address is on the front of the envelope.

Here’s how to address an envelope to a married couple when the wife uses her maiden name:
Ms. Margaret Ferguson
and Mr. Horace Fitzhugh

Yes, the woman’s name goes first. Writing out the and indicates that the recipients are married. However, if the husband has a professional title, his name goes first:
The Reverend Horace Fitzhugh
and Ms. Margaret Ferguson

If Margaret uses her maiden name professionally but not socially, the correct address is Mr. and Mrs. Horace Fitzhugh or The Reverend and Mrs. Horace Fitzhugh. If Horace is deceased, do not address the envelope to Mrs. Margaret Fitzhugh because that would indicate she is divorced. Widows keep their husband’s first and last names. If Margaret’s son is a Jr., she may add Sr. to her name to avoid confusion. If Margaret is divorced, address it to Mrs. Margaret Fitzhugh unless she has resumed her maiden name. Then it’s Ms. (not Miss) Margaret Ferguson. A separated woman may continue to use her husband’s name until she is divorced. Don’t address letters to a single mother with Miss. It is inaccurate and may cause embarrassment.

Signatures Etiquette

A married woman should sign legal documents and checks with her given name plus her married name—Mary Fleischmann. If she has a common name such as Jane Smith, she might want to distinguish her signature by using her maiden name as well. A single Jane Smith might want to use a middle initial. When writing to a person you know very well, sign using your first name only. Never give yourself a title when signing your name. Thus, if writing to someone not on a first-name basis, Mrs. Daniel Fleischmann goes in parentheses under the Mary Fleischmann signature. If Mrs. Daniel Fleischmann is printed at the top of the stationery, simply sign Mary Fleischmann at the bottom.
A single woman may write in parentheses (Miss) or (Ms.) to the left of her name. A professional woman who uses her husband’s name socially and professionally wants to make it clear that she is married. She signs business letters with (Mrs. John) Alana Kelty. In social correspondence, she proceeds as described in the previous paragraph.