Men and Women

Fortunately, we’re beyond the days when only an equal number of men and women were invited to parties. It’s too much trouble to try to strike an even balance, and you don’t want people to have the feeling that they are assigned to someone. Today’s career-oriented people are happier flying solo than they are being stuck with trying to amuse some unamusing fellow guest. Of course, you should always try to have a reasonable balance, but don’t try to match up people.
Unfortunately, many divorced women and widows are still omitted from guest lists, even in what we like to think of as our enlightened times. It is not only kind but also fair to make an effort to include them. After all, they are no less interesting now than when they were married.

Understanding Your Motive in Party

The host motivation for the party has a lot to do with the guest list. See if you can find a good motive for yourself:

• To pay back for invitations you’ve accepted in the past
• To reaffirm friendships
• To show off a new home, painting, furniture, and so on
• To honor someone
• To say thank you to people who’ve helped you with a particular project or problem
• To get to know new neighbors or colleagues
• To generate future party invitations for yourself

I know a woman who travels widely and spends at least two weeks in each destination. She gives a cocktail party the first evening she arrives. The next day she waits for invitations that will keep her busy for the rest of her visit. Don’t be afraid to tell friends that you are giving a party that doesn’t include them. I was pleased to learn, for example, that I was not invited to a cocktail party given by a scientist friend for his colleagues. There would have been, necessarily, a lot of shop talk exclusive to the group and baffling to me. If shop talk is inevitable, the general rule is to invite only those who can participate and/or enjoy it.

Creating the Guest List

A party is only as good as its guests, so consider the chemistry of the group you’re putting together when you make out your guest list. This exercise is entirely subjective, and every host has a private formula. But here’s a list of do’s and don’ts to help you learn some general rules.
DO:

• Think of the party as an opportunity to bring together people who don’t know each other but who will probably enjoy meeting one another.
• Think of the party as an opportunity to bring together old friends who never seem to have enough time to visit with one another.
• Invite people who will appreciate the invitation and will make an effort to contribute to the success of the party.

DON’T:

• Invite just one type of person. A room full of lawyers or doctors is almost antithetical to the very idea of a party.
• Throw in a person or a couple who don’t really fit the group just because you owe them a dinner.
• Invite known adversaries on the theory that it will make the party livelier. It may make the party livelier than you had hoped.

Everybody has his or her own little tricks and preferences when it comes to making up a guest list.
My personal formula, for example, always includes

• A banker, because bankers know a little about a lot of industries and can talk about what’s going on in the economy.
• A journalist, because journalists ask great questions.
• Somebody involved in politics, however tangentially.
• A restaurateur, because the entire world is interested in dining out and in food.
• Someone in marketing, because marketers usually have something interesting to say about trends and tastes and what people are buying.

The best guests are those who know how to sing for their supper. They know that guests as well as hosts have a responsibility to contribute to the party. They will encourage and add to conversation. They are positive and cheerful. You can depend on them. An interesting person who loves to talk—even if it’s about himself—will amuse a handful of people and get others talking as well.

Just Do It!

The best way to get over your worries about entertaining is to just go ahead and give a party. Think about starting small. Most people are so pleased to be invited to someone’s home that the magnitude of the party doesn’t matter. One of my most pleasant memories is of my neighbor’s annual holiday dessert gettogether. Several neighborhood couples gathered at her house for after-dinner desserts, all purchased from nearby pastry shops and served with so much warmth and grace that we all felt very special. The fire was roaring, the candles were lit, the coffee and cordials were warm. She was a working mother with more chores than time, but these small, uncomplicated gatherings were always successful.

Something Awful Will Happen!

Yes. Something is bound to go wrong. But guess what? Guests are forgiving. Glitches can actually enliven the party atmosphere, bring people together, and generate conversation. And apparent disasters morph into amusing anecdotes that become topics of conversations for future parties.
Nobody ever notices if the china doesn’t match. And if someone does, he or she won’t care. Furthermore, you should expect last-minute cancellations and additions, so if someone doesn’t make it, it’s no reflection on you. Remember that the only way such minor upsets can have a negative impact on your party is if you let your guests know that you are upset.

People Will Be Bored to Death!

You can also rid yourself of the dread that your party will resemble a low-rent funeral by being prepared. Make a list of topics to bring up if the conversation falls into a black hole. You probably won’t ever face this situation, but you will feel better knowing that you are prepared. Another tip is to practice your introductions and the tidbits of information you will supply about each person when you introduce them, for example:

• “Jill is a writer, so you may end up in her next book if you’re not careful.”
• “Tom is a detective, and he has some wonderful stupid-crook stories.”

I Can’t Handle a Party Alone!

Throwing a great party by yourself is hard but not impossible. But you can always ask for help. Team up with a friend or two and jointly host the party. Or get one person to serve officially as your cohost. You can divide the labor—one of you watching the back of the house, to make sure food and drinks flow generously, and the other watching the front, to keep the conversation flowing and to get the guests interested in one another.
And when assigning party duties, remember that men no longer can get away with the outdated notion that entertaining is for women only.