Etiquette Tips And Guide

Gift Giving at Work

2011-05-31T19:58:00.000-07:00

Some of the most difficult questions about gift giving concern the workplace. Exchanging gifts with business associates is an area of behavior in which careful thought and prudence are especially important.
Rule 1: Extravagance shows bad manners and represents poor strategy.
Rule 2: Modesty and quality are the key words.
The gift should be personal enough to tell the recipient that you gave some thought to it. You might have to talk to someone’s spouse or secretary to learn what a person’s hobbies are or what kind of music, books, or foods would make a special treat.

The Ease of Registries

2011-05-31T19:51:00.000-07:00

Establishing an electronic gift registry is a bit more complicated than simply setting up a registry at an upscale department store. When you set up an e-registry, you can indicate the sort of gifts you would like to receive. The registry will contact your circle of family and friends to get some ideas about their interests and preferences when it comes to gifts they would like to receive. Those contacted can also provide hints about what to buy for others on your list.
Selecting a registry:

Make sure the registry includes a large number of retailers to give you and others a wide range of choices.
Select a registry that notifies your family and friends of your wish list so that you don’t appear overly avaricious.
Make sure the items purchased are shipped directly from the retailer, instead of through the registry or another entity. You don’t want the gift going through too many hands before it arrives.

E-commerce and Registries Etiquette

2011-05-31T19:48:00.000-07:00

Selecting, purchasing, and sending gifts electronically can be a wonderful convenience, but you must do some thinking first.
Before placing the order, decide whether to have the gift sent to you, which will allow you to wrap and personalize it, or directly to the recipient. If you choose the latter, here are some things to consider:

Find a reputable, reliable e-tailer, one you’ve used previously or that has been recommended by friends.
Have the item gift-wrapped. Most e-tailers provide this service.
Send a card or note telling the recipient that something is on it way.
If you are the recipient, call or e-mail right away to say thank you and to let the person know the gift has arrived. You must then follow up with a thank-you note.

Things to Consider Before Giving a Gift

2011-04-30T08:47:00.000-07:00

Here are 10 questions to ask yourself when giving a gift:
1. Why am I giving it?
2. Is it sincere?
3. Am I giving it without strings attached?
4. Does it reflect the receiver’s taste—not mine?
5. Is it too extravagant?
6. Is it kind? (Beware of gag gifts.)
7. Is it appropriate? (No candy for a dieter.)
8. Can I present it in person?
9. Is it presented beautifully?
10. Do I feel good about giving it?
Let’s expand a bit on the first point, which is really the most important consideration. The first question you should ask yourself is why you’re giving the gift. We give gifts to say thanks to a business associate for an introduction, to someone who gave a lunch or dinner in our honor, to a couple for dinner at their home, to a person who gave us information that helped land business, or to someone who treated us to dinner.
You might also give a gift to congratulate someone on a promotion, an award, a marriage, a birth, an anniversary, or a birthday. And when choosing a gift, don’t forget the reason you are giving it. Fortunately, there are lots of ways to find, choose, and send gifts for every occasion.

If you’re tempted to buy a youngster war toys, check first with the parents. Some people have very strong feelings on the subject.
Never give children pets unless you have cleared it with the parents beforehand.
Joke gifts may get a laugh at the moment of giving, but can leave a sour aftertaste.
The value of a gift is enhanced by the fact that it arrives on time and is nicely wrapped.
Handwritten notes should accompany gifts. If you must include a greeting card, add a written note to whatever printed sentiment the card contains.
A gift of money can be most conveniently given in the form of a check or cashier’s check. Cash is more appropriate for a child. When giving cash, include a note mentioning the amount in case some is lost or mislaid and to help the recipient when it comes time to send a thank-you letter. Your note can say something like “I hope these ten dollars will fund your victory pizza after the game.”
Generally, money is a gift given by older people to younger people. It’s a good idea to try to learn if the recipient is saving for something special and to include a note saying the gift is to bring the person closer to that goal.

Ending Conversation Gracefully

2011-04-30T08:43:00.000-07:00

It is very important to close a conversation gracefully. As humans, we need two things when dealing with others—acknowledgment and closure. We need people to acknowledge our presence. That’s why you might not mind waiting when a clerk says, “I’ll be right with you,” or even just looks at you and nods briefly. The need to be acknowledged also explains why you are so annoyed when a receptionist says, “Please hold,” and cuts you off before you can say anything. By the same token, it is annoying when people just drift away after a conversation without some acknowledgment that a conversation has occurred. When you feel a conversation has run its course or you have to move along, wait for a break in the conversation and then say something like “Well, I’ve got to say hello to our host (or George or my aunt, for example).” “That food looks delicious. Think I’ll have some. Excuse me.” “I’m going over to the bar for a refill.” (Don’t try this one while holding a full glass.)
Then say something like “It was good talking with you. I enjoyed learning about Ireland.” If others at a party interrupt and you cannot end the conversation properly, make some sort of parting gesture, for example, brief eye contact and a wave. Giving a talk and holding a conversation have a lot in common. Both work better if you are relaxed and natural. In a way both put you “on stage.” If you try to put on a show or if you are not entirely sincere, your listeners will pick up on it. So don’t say things you don’t believe, even something as trivial as complimenting someone on her hat or dress or telling someone that he looks terrific when you both know he doesn’t.

Keeping A Conversation Going

2011-04-30T08:10:00.000-07:00

Listen. When people say, “He’s a good conversationalist,” they usually mean that he is a good listener. Don’t lie in wait for one of those natural conversation breaks so you can jump in with your next prepared statement or question. Interrupting is the most common and among the most irritating errors people make in conversation. Let people know that you’re listening through eye contact, but don’t stare fixedly at them.
Also, ask open-ended questions such as “Why did you decide to volunteer?” or “How did you become involved with our group?” Questions that result in yes or no answers stop the flow of conversation.
People like to be asked their opinions and impressions concerning major news events:
“I heard this morning that the mayor resigned. Makes you wonder what’s behind that, doesn’t it?”
Every topic has its own natural life span, and if someone is going on endlessly about one thing, it is a good idea to cut in as tactfully as possible. If, for example, the back and forth about the mayor is lively and quick, settle down and enjoy it. If it begins to sag under its own weight, try changing the topic. The easiest way is switching to a related subject. “Speaking of politicians (or speaking of retiring or public figures or our city) ….”
When you’re engaged in a conversation, keep in mind the following don’ts:

Don’t perform. Performing happens when you are concentrating too hard on the impression you want to make on the other person.
Don’t speed-talk. Sometimes people who are anxious to make a point try to spit it all out quickly, as if they’re afraid they won’t be permitted to finish the thought.
Don’t slow-talk. A sure sign that you’re dragging things out is when other people finish a sentence for you or nod to indicate they understand even before you have reached the point of your remarks.
Don’t let your mind wander. Try not to watch other people moving around in the room while someone is talking to you.
Don’t hold a drink in your right hand. Doing so leads to damp, cold handshakes.
If your palm is sweaty, it’s okay to give it a quick swipe on the side of your trousers or skirt before extending it for a handshake.
Don’t broach touchy subjects. Avoid discussions about your health, the cost of things these days, mean gossip, off-color jokes, or controversial issues—particularly when you don’t know where the other person stands on the subject. On the other hand, it is okay to disagree. Wait until the other person has spoken and then introduce your point of view without being judgmental.

Don’t say, “That’s completely off base,” or “You couldn’t be more wrong about that.” Instead, say something like “I disagree because …” or “Well, another way of looking at it is ….”

Introducing a Speaker

2011-03-31T09:28:00.000-07:00

Introducing a speaker is usually an easy job. Your basic objective is to get the speaker to the podium without a lot of fuss or delay. Leave yourself out of it as much as possible. Don’t launch into a long story about what good friends you are with the person you’re introducing.
Get hold of a biography and pare it down. Hit the highlights and emphasize what is of particular interest to this group. Make the tone warm and welcoming. If the event is a family gathering, a retirement party, or something similar, you can be a little more sentimental than at a seminar, lecture, or business function. But, still, brevity is the best policy.

The Closing

2011-03-31T09:27:00.000-07:00

The closing is the most important part of your talk—the last impression the audience will have of you and the most lasting impression. We can be forgiven for weakness or lapses in the body of the presentation, but never for the opening or the closing.
If the talk has been of a rather light nature, you may want to end with a very good joke or a humorous spin on the material you’ve just presented. More often, the closing takes the form of a call to action. Don’t be afraid to employ some dramatic or emotional language here. You may want to quote a portion of a great speech or use some lines of stirring poetry. Some experienced speakers have a whole arsenal of fiery or sentimental quotes they can use to close a speech.

The Opening

2011-03-31T09:25:00.000-07:00

This is the second most important part of your talk. First impressions are critical because the audience is sizing you up; people are deciding whether they like you or not, whether they can learn from you, whether they are going to be bored or excited. Have the first few words and the first few ideas firmly in your mind. You may want to introduce yourself to the audience, even if the previous speaker has already done so. Some speakers open by complimenting the audience, making some startling or provocative statement, telling a joke, or quoting a prominent person.

The Delivery

2011-02-28T17:36:00.000-08:00

Here are some insider tips on public speaking from experienced speakers:

Speak while standing whenever possible.
Adjust your language to the audience. Don’t talk down to anyone, but do tailor your language and your references to the audience (for example, are you speaking to engineers or to artists?). A young audience has a shorter attention span than an older audience does, so you will need to sprinkle more spice into your talk—gestures, vivid images, jokes. Male audiences respond more to visual images; women, to verbal images.
People like people who are like them, so try to make a connection by mentioning early something that connects you to the audience. For instance, you could say, “Some people think that, because we are volunteers and are not being paid, that our work is somehow easier or somehow less important. We all know just how wrong that is, don’t we?”
Remember that you are more important than the material. The people are in the audience because they want to hear what you have to say and how you present the information. Otherwise, they could stay home and read the report.
Decide what points you want to make. Don’t try for more than four major points in a 20-minute speech. The usual technique is to make a point, give a descriptive example, then remake the point.
Speak with feeling. Try to communicate your enthusiasm for your topic to your audience. Keep your head up and speak clearly.
Control voice volume. Inexperienced speakers have a tendency to shout or to get louder as they go along. Think in terms of projecting. You can project your normal tone of voice without shouting and without sounding like a sideshow barker.
Take your time. Another common error of inexperienced speakers is a tendency to speak quickly, as if every second has to be filled with information.
Avoid rambling and repeating.
When you’ve finished, if there is no question-and-answer session, say thank you and sit down. Don’t wave or otherwise acknowledge applause.
If you are having a question-and-answer period, say so and raise your hand briefly to indicate the protocol for asking questions. Restate and, if necessary, rephrase questions. Don’t say “good question.” This gives the impression you are judging the questions.
Don’t refer to the questioner by name unless you are prepared to address everyone in the room by name.

Getting Ready

2011-02-28T17:34:00.000-08:00

When preparing to give a talk or, for that matter, when preparing for an important one-on-one meeting, ask yourself four questions:

Who am I? Does this person (audience) know you? What is your relationship, if any? How do you want your audience to perceive you? What attire would be most appropriate to communicate your role?
Where am I? The physical space will determine how you should use your voice and gestures, and whether you will need a microphone. Find out what audiovisual equipment is available and who will be running it. Think about what you will do if the equipment fails to function as expected. (It so often does.)
To whom am I speaking and what do they expect from me? Why are they here, and what are their expectations? Do audience members share any characteristics? Do they have a specific point of view concerning you or your topic?
What do I want to accomplish? To welcome, to instruct, to motivate, to persuade? Do you want to ask for a raise, explain your situation, or praise another person?

The Terror of Talk: Stage Fright

2011-02-28T17:32:00.000-08:00

Everybody gets it. Everybody can get over it.
Third-degree stage fright manifests itself as a revved-up heart beat, elevated blood pressure, a flushed face, and trembling hands. When you have stage fright, you’re experiencing a reaction shared by your cave-dwelling ancestors. Experts call it the flight-or-fight reaction. When a cave dweller saw a saber-toothed tiger, adrenaline pumped into his blood stream and his body prepared itself to scamper up a tree or, if necessary, to do battle.
Most people have the same kind of reaction the first time they face an audience. Here are some physical and mental tricks you can use to control this reaction:

Keep in mind that the audience is not a tiger. Audience members are disposed to like you. They want to relax almost as much as you do. They want you to succeed because that means they will be entertained. In other words, the audience is on your side.
Because your stage fright reaction is a right-brain function—instinctive and emotional—counter it with left-brain activity. Count or work a numbers problem in your head. Think about how your talk is organized and how you’ve marshaled the various points.
Breathe. Fitness guru Pat Croce recommends inhaling deeply through the nose and exhaling through the mouth.
Smile. Just the act of smiling causes chemical changes in the body that can help you relax and feel more confident.

Embarrassing Situations

2011-01-31T16:44:00.000-08:00

Your colleague’s fly is open, your friend has a giant run in her stocking, your lunch mate has spinach stuck between his front teeth, or someone has feloniously bad breath. What do you do?
First of all, you have to be direct but discreet. Get the person out of earshot of other people and say, “Your fly is open,” in the same tone of voice you would use to say, “It’s raining outside.” If you don’t know the person, find somebody in the group who does to give the message.
You are in a more serious situation if you have a friend who has a particular and persistent bad habit or something like chronic bad breath. If he’s a real friend, you have to tell him about it even if you know he won’t like it. Use the “critical I” if you can. “I’ve been told that I’ve had bad breath from time to time, but it seems to be a chronic problem with you. Maybe you have a dental problem you don’t know about, or it might be just a matter of using mouthwash more often. That’s what worked for me.” The story or analogy you convey doesn’t necessarily have to be about the exact problem that your friend has. If you haven’t had that exact problem before, choose a story that shows parallels to the other person’s situation.

Sexual Harassment

2011-01-31T16:42:00.000-08:00

What to do? Go right to the senior officer in your company or department, report it, and demand justice? Consult a lawyer? Put up with it until it becomes blatant? Cry? Hit somebody?
One way you could react is by giving a response that attacks the ego of the offender:
“I hope you don’t think that was sexually attractive. In fact, it was comical. You’re making a fool of yourself.”
Or for something a bit stronger: “I didn’t realize how pathetic you were. You’re really a silly little man.”
Or begin with a warning: “I’m going to forget this
happened. But if anything like this ever happens
again, everybody here is going to know about it, and you’re going to be in more trouble than you can imagine.”
Be prepared to follow through on your warning if necessary.

Firings, Layoffs, and Demotions

2011-01-31T16:31:00.000-08:00

The work arena is fraught with difficult and disappointing situations. People get fired, laid off, passed over for promotion, transferred against their will, and chewed out unjustly by the boss. In these situations nothing you can say will fix the problem, so it is important to mirror the person’s distress. Let him know that he isn’t alone, that he is, in fact, in good company. Reinforce the person’s good qualities. Don’t say, “Things will work out for the best,” or even worse, “I told you something like this would happen.” Don’t say that what happened to somebody else is even worse than what happened to him.
Instead, try one of these phrases:
“I’m so sorry you must go through this.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
“This must be very, very tough for you.”
Do not indicate in any way that the unfortunate turn of events was predictable or even partially the fault of the injured party. If a colleague was denied promotion for what you believe to be very good cause, don’t launch into a lecture about the skills she needs to acquire or improve upon or tell her that somebody else was more qualified for the position. If the injured party says, “Don’t you think that this was rotten luck?” and you know luck had nothing to do with it, just say, “You must be really disappointed,” or some other phrase that lets her know you identify with her emotional state.

Dealing with Bad News

2010-12-31T21:14:00.000-08:00

More often than we’d like to think, and often when we least expect it, people we know end up getting fired, going into bankruptcy, having accidents, getting indicted, and experiencing the death of a loved one. If it happens to someone you know well, you need to recognize the difficulty and offer your sympathy and—if appropriate—your help. It is less than useless to act as if nothing has happened. Don’t wait for the other person to find an appropriate time to tell you about the misfortune and don’t let the subject become the proverbial elephant in the living room that you both try to ignore.
Instead, be direct. For instance, you might say, “I heard about the fire at your house last week. I’m so glad that you’re all right,” or say, “I was so sorry to hear about Jim’s sentencing hearing. It must be difficult for you.”
If you attend a funeral, express your condolences as directly and simply as possible. You could say, “I’m very sorry about your loss,” or simply say, “I’m so sorry.” On the other hand, you may want to remind the bereaved of some characteristic of the deceased by saying something like “Our office won’t seem the same without Bridget’s daily baseball team updates” or “I’ll miss seeing all her crazy T-shirts.” When someone begins to tell you bad news, be quiet and listen. Your concern will be mirrored in your attentiveness. You can nod and say, “Uh, huh,” until you feel it’s appropriate to add something like “This must be draining for you. I’m so sorry.” Don’t think for a moment that it is helpful or encouraging to compare what your friend is suffering to another situation you’ve heard about or experienced—or to recount an even worse challenge or injury as a way to tell your friend that “it could be worse.” That kind of one-upmanship only makes people feel even more upset. And you can see why. Just imagine that you’re complaining to someone about your severe headache and, instead of sympathizing, she replies, “You haven’t had a headache until you’ve had one of my migraines.”
Nor should you choose this time to express opinions about proper behavior or judgments about people’s character (for example, “Well, if your husband hadn’t cheated on his taxes, he wouldn’t be facing prison, would he?”). And don’t offer unsolicited advice.
Above all, don’t use the opportunity to pry into the other person’s life. At a time like this, you two may reach a level of intimacy unprecedented in your relationship. A casual acquaintance might for a few minutes become uncharacteristically open and candid with you—and might regret it later on. Try to stay within the boundaries that previously characterized your relationship while remaining sympathetic and attentive.

Facing Cosmetic Surgery

2010-12-31T21:11:00.000-08:00

Thousands of people will undergo cosmetic surgery this year. Their reactions will fall somewhere between silent confusion and a straightforward willingness to discuss their decision to change their appearance.
More people than ever are electing cosmetic surgery, but today’s motivations often are far different from the erstwhile stereotype of the suburban matron with too much time and money on her hands.
In today’s downsized, competitive job market, many people elect cosmetic surgery for reasons other than vanity. They do it because they are convinced it will further their career.
And with more and more people appearing publicly in various stages of presurgical and postsurgical conditions, the problem of what to say and what not to say arises for both the patient and the friends and acquaintances of the patient. Although most people today are open about having cosmetic surgery, it can still be a touchy topic for conversation. To avoid hurt feelings, follow these suggestions:

Never tell a person that he or she is crazy to have cosmetic surgery.
Wait until the person opens the subject before you ask whether someone had cosmetic surgery.
If you are curious, try saying, “You look wonderful today.” If the reply is that the person had surgery, ask only: “Are you pleased with the results?”
Even if pressed, never criticize the results. If you must, you can say: “I see what you mean but only when you point it out.”
Never volunteer the names of others who have had cosmetic surgery.
Never gossip about the subject.
Cosmetic or not, it’s still surgery. Be solicitous about the person’s health and well-being.
If you have had cosmetic surgery and look markedly different, make it easier for those around you by opening the door for comments.

The Fine Art of the Compliment

2010-12-31T21:09:00.000-08:00

A compliment is a two-way gift. It benefits both the giver and the receiver. Too often, people deprive themselves of the pleasure of giving a compliment when they hesitate and let the moment slip by. Or perhaps the other person is so consistently wellgroomed that we don’t bother to say, “You look great today.” Or someone is so consistently efficient that we fail to say, “Good job.”
When giving a compliment, remember these points:

Be sincere. Complimenting someone just because you think it’s a good idea is a bad idea. A phony compliment is easy to spot and instantly destroys the credibility of the speaker. If the luncheon speaker was a total flop, don’t compliment the speech. Talk about the effort the speaker made to attend the function and the person’s past achievements, if any.
Be specific. “That was a marvelous casserole” is better than “You’re a terrific cook.”
Be unqualified. Don’t make the mistake of damning with faint praise: “That was a good report, considering …” or “This casserole is okay.”

Don’t compare. You can diminish the compliment by comparing the accomplishment to some other achievement—unless you are comparing it to something heroic, and then the compliment sounds insincere.
When receiving a compliment, just smile and say thank you. Never try to shrug off a compliment or disagree with the person who is trying to compliment you. If someone compliments you on your dress and you say, “Oh, this old thing?” you’re actually saying that the other person’s judgment is poor or that she doesn’t know what’s fashionable. If someone compliments you on doing a good job at the office, don’t say, “It was nothing,” or “It should have been more complete (or finished earlier).”
This response is insulting to the other person, implying that his standards are not very high.
“Thanks, I worked really hard on it” is much better.
Here’s another important tip: Never unilaterally upscale a compliment by infusing it with even more praise and enthusiasm than the giver meant to give. For

Becoming The Receiving End

2010-11-30T16:29:00.000-08:00

Whether you deserve it or not, you will be the subject of criticism at one point or another in your life. Be ready. If the criticism is justified, accept it and treat it as a problem that needs to be resolved. Acknowledge that you have a challenge ahead of you and make it clear to the person who pointed out the shortcoming that you intend to address it.
If you believe that the criticism is unjustified or delivered harshly or publicly, you have every right to react in a different way. However, if you get angry and start shooting back, you will end up saying things you will regret and so will the person who offered the criticism in the first place. In this situation it is usually best to put off discussing the matter: “Let’s talk about this when we’re both a little calmer” or “We ought to get together and work this out. What’s a good time for you?” If someone says something critical about you in the presence of others, you can try “freezing” your critic by stopping whatever you are doing or saying and looking the person dead in the eye for a moment. Or you can say something like “Very little good comes of criticizing others in public. Please tell me your objections (or problems) in private.”
If you’re not sure that the criticism is justified or if you need time to think it over, you can say, “I’m glad you’re letting me know what’s on your mind. I’d like to think about it and get back to you.”
If you know you’ve goofed, it’s sometimes best to just say, “I apologize,” and that’s all. Depending on the situation, something more may be required: “I never intended to (embarrass, upset, offend) you, but I can see that I did, and I’m sorry.” But don’t whine, don’t grovel, and don’t make excuses or try to shift the blame.

Softening the Blow

2010-11-30T16:23:00.001-08:00

When delivering criticism, keep these points in mind:
➤ Avoid the “but” bomb. “I thought the points you made in your report were excellent, but ….” The but bomb immediately sends up a flare and triggers a defensive reaction. The person hears but and begins constructing a reply instead of listening closely to your further comments. Try: “I thought your report was outstanding, and next time I suggest you include ….” Next time does not invalidate the first part of the sentence as but does.

➤ Keep it impersonal. Never say that some act or person was dumb or wrong. Talk about behavior, not personality.
➤ Keep it private. If you criticize someone in the presence of others, the person is not thinking about your message, but about being humiliated.
➤ Be specific. Don’t criticize in generalizations. Mention specific incidents or behaviors.
➤ Soften the impact. Try beginning with a compliment: “You are usually a very considerate person. That’s why I was so surprised at your behavior at lunch today.”
➤ Try advice. You can also deliver criticism in the form of advice. Instead of saying, “You’ll never even reach the basket if you shoot the ball like that,” say, “I’ve found that keeping my elbows in close gives the shot more power.”

Making Gestures With a Foreigner

2010-11-30T15:58:00.000-08:00

When traveling abroad, some innocent or even friendly gestures can get you into trouble. These include making a circle of the thumb and index finger, pointing the index finger, and giving the thumbs-up sign.
Here are some other cautions:

➤ Avoid using the crooked index finger in a beckoning gesture. In many cultures the beckoning gesture is done with the arm extended and the fingers making an inward sweeping motion.
➤ In some places you may see people clap their hands or snap their fingers to get the attention of waiters or servants. In general, however, it is wise for the visitor to avoid doing either.
➤ The V for victory sign is insulting in England if the palm is turned inward. In fact, you should avoid this gesture altogether.
➤ Propping up your foot so that the sole of your shoe is facing someone is considered grossly insulting in most Asian countries and in parts of the Middle East.
➤ In some cultures it is considered rude to engage in conversation with your arms folded over your chest or with your arms akimbo (hands on hips). Avoiding etiquette errors when dealing with people from other cultures, either at home or abroad, is difficult—and may even be impossible. The world is a complex mosaic of customs and attitudes, and even the most well-traveled and well-read person can transgress unknowingly.

So, although you may not always be correct, you must always be courteous. A willingness to confess ignorance and to ask for help, the ability to apologize gracefully, and a friendly, open attitude will get you through most difficulties. Don’t let anxiety about making social blunders cause your relations with those from other cultures to be mannered or stiff. Approach learning about new places and people with a spirit of adventure and a desire to learn, and you will generally find that people are more than willing to forgive innocent breaches of etiquette.

You’re In My Space

2010-10-31T03:37:00.000-07:00

Whereas Asians stand farther away during conversations than Americans are used to, many Mediterranean people and Latinos stand so close that Americans believe that their personal space is being violated. Inexperienced Americans usually react by taking a step back. This strategy doesn’t work because the other person will simply take a step forward. If you keep backing up, you may find yourself backed into a corner. On the other hand, if an Asian steps back during a conversation with you, control your urge to pursue him. When with Asians, remember that touching can be a touchy subject. For example, you don’t put your arm about the shoulders of a Japanese or take hold of his arm during a conversation. Don’t be offended if Asian shopkeepers avoid contact by placing your change on the counter instead of in your hand. They are just being polite.

Watch For Unfamiliar Foods

2010-10-31T03:34:00.000-07:00

Here are some commonplace American foods that foreigners find unusual or, in some cases, repulsive.
➤ Marshmallows
➤ Corn on the cob, which many Europeans consider fit only for animals
➤ Pumpkin pie (also pecan pie)
➤ Sweet potatoes
➤ Crawfish
➤ Grits
➤ Hot dogs
When traveling in other countries, some Americans may have the same reaction to foods like sea urchins in Korea, horse meat in Japan, toasted grasshoppers in Mexico, sea slugs in China, sheep’s eyes in the Middle East, haggis (sheep’s organs and entrails) in Scotland, or kidney pie in England.
Also, what many Americans think of as Mexican food and Chinese food would not be welcome—or even recognized!—in Mexico and China. (When Chinese Americans want to say someone is losing touch with his Chinese heritage, they may call him “a chop suey man.” Chop suey is a dish that Americans think is Chinese and Chinese think is American.)
Here are some general rules of etiquette to follow when you are confronted with unfamiliar food in a foreign land:

If you don’t know what it is, you might be better off not asking. Taste it. If you don’t like it and are asked for your opinion, say something like “It has a very distinctive flavor.”
If you know what it is and don’t want to try it, politely refuse. Or you can say something like “I know this is quite a delicacy, but I’ve tried it before and found it doesn’t sit well with me.”
If you sense that a refusal would offend your host or fellow diners, cut it up and move it around on your dish so that it looks as if you are eating. Some cautionary notes:
It is particularly important to respect the dietary rules of Muslims. They do not eat the flesh of any animal that scavenges, including pigs, goats, some birds, and sea scavengers like lobster. Food may not be prepared using the products derived from these animals, such as oils. Muslims do not drink alcohol and avoid foods cooked with alcohol.
Do not point with your chopsticks or suck on them. Do not stick chopsticks upright in your rice. This placement is thought to bring bad luck.
In Europe you may expect salads to be served after, rather than before, the main dish.
Orthodox Jews do not eat pork or shellfish. Meat and fowl must be kosher, which means they must be ritually prepared.
In Europe and elsewhere, the main dish is served at the beginning of the meal, so don’t think of it as an appetizer. Also be careful at formal Chinese banquets. These events consist of many more courses than Westerners expect. Don’t fill up too early, or you’ll be too full to eat some wonderful delicacies later in the meal.

Is It Time to Eat?

2010-10-31T03:31:00.000-07:00

Many foreigners find the customs and terminology that accompany eating in America odd, disconcerting, or baffling. Why do some American executives like to conduct business at breakfast, whereas we often consider lunch as little more than an afterthought? We load our water glasses with ice. We drink denatured (decaffeinated) coffee.
We eat strange things and at odd times. Consider the following:

The main meal of the day in other countries is taken at midday. In America the main meal comes at the end of the workday. We call the evening meal “dinner,” a word that signifies the midday meal in other English-speaking countries.
The evening meal in America is served, generally, within an hour either way of 7 P.M. Elsewhere it is generally later and generally lighter. In Spain supper commonly begins at 10 P.M.
The English have tea in the afternoon, usually around 4 P.M. This meal consists of tea, small sandwiches, and pastries. High tea is not a more elaborate version of tea. It is, in fact, an informal replacement for supper, which is eaten later in the evening.

In addition, brunch is considered a curious American invention in places where it is known at all. A foreign visitor will probably find its timing disconcerting.

The Art of Gift Giving

2010-09-30T16:32:00.000-07:00

In some cultures, if you effusively admire a possession of another person, particularly of your host, he or she may feel obliged to offer it to you as a gift. You, however, need not accept. In fact, you should firmly, but politely, refuse.
Here are some cautionary notes for gift giving when other cultures are involved:

In some Asian cultures, including Japanese and Chinese, gifts are not opened in the presence of the donor.
Avoid wrapping gifts for Japanese in either white or black paper. Japanese do not use bows or bright colors when wrapping gifts.
White flowers symbolize mourning to the Chinese. Yellow flowers have similar negative connotations among some Latinos and Middle Easterners. In Europe red roses often signal romantic intent and chrysanthemums are linked with death.
In the Middle East, do not give gifts that are representations of partially clad women or of pets, such as dogs, which are considered lowly creatures.
Cash gifts for Chinese should be in even numbers and given with both hands.
Gifts of knives to Latinos can signal the cutting of a relationship.
Don’t give four of anything to a Japanese or Korean person.
Don’t give a clock to a Chinese person.
A handkerchief suggests tears or parting in the Middle East, making it an inappropriate gift.

High Context vs. Low Context in International Business

2010-09-30T16:24:00.000-07:00

An insight into how to avoid these and some other problems American business people encounter on the global scene can be gained by considering what anthropologist Edward T. Hall calls high-context and low-context cultures. The United States, Germany, Switzerland, Canada, and the Scandinavian countries are low-context cultures, meaning that business people tend to send unambiguous messages with a lot of specificity and clear descriptions. For them, time is a straight-line commodity when it comes to getting things done. You start at point A and you go right to point B.
High-context countries include China, Japan, Korea, Spain, Greece, Turkey, the Arab world, and Latin America. High-context cultures place more emphasis on nonverbal communication, indirect verbal signals, and implicit meanings. Rituals are important. Time is not a straight-line concept. The road from point A to point B is highly textured.
The road has curves and detours and scenery.
Low-context people tend to view high-context people as sneaky, secretive, or at best, mysterious, and high-context people tend to view low-context people as moving too fast on the one hand and being excessively talkative and redundant on the other. So, when dealing with high-context business people, you need to be patient and to recognize that a lot of things are happening at once. Let’s take the example of a savvy American business executive visiting the office of a Korean colleague:
The appointment is at noon, and even though the visitor knows it is important to arrive on time, he expects to be kept waiting. The American waits quietly. Reading or doing something else while waiting is not a good idea: Doing so would indicate that the upcoming meeting is not the visitor’s primary focus. The host comes out to greet the guest. They shake hands, and the American gives a slight bow. Other people are in the office where the meeting is to take place. The American greets them: more handshakes, slight bows. The guest sits, keeping both feet on the floor.
If refreshments are offered, the guest accepts after a mild and insincere refusal.
He uses his right hand to drink.
All the while, the Korean host is being gracious and hospitable, and the American responds in the same spirit. They do not discuss business just yet. The host may hold several conversations at once, talk on the telephone, and otherwise digress. But he will always return to the important issues, and inevitably, things will get done, and all parties will part cordially.
This experience may strike the American as inefficient, but it works for a considerable segment of the world.

Let’s Do Business

2010-09-30T16:06:00.000-07:00

When asked their impressions of American business people, foreigners often begin by saying Americans are very open and friendly. They find, however, that this friendliness tends to be shallow and short-lived. Americans come on strong at the beginning, but do not live up to the implied promise of an ongoing friendship or, at least, personal relationship.
Many business people from other cultures say they are put off by the abruptness with which Americans seem to want to get things done. We say that time is money. We work hard and play hard and eat lunch standing up or at the desk. Some people, particularly Asians and Middle Easterners, don’t consider getting right down to business as an admirable approach to getting things done.
Another problem is that Americans tend to jump into a first-name basis rather quickly, apparently laboring under the delusion that everybody enjoys being called by his first name by everybody else.

Gracious Greetings

2010-08-31T21:10:00.000-07:00

When greeting someone, an American’s first instinct is to stick out his or her hand, look directly at the other person, and smile. In some situations this habit can mean making three mistakes at once. And the moment of greeting is when crucial first impressions are made. Methods and styles of greeting vary greatly around the world, and you need to know which practices apply in different circumstances.

➤ When greeting Asians for the first time, do not initiate the handshake. You may be forcing a physical contact that the other person finds uncomfortable. Many Asians, particularly Japanese, have learned to accept the handshake when dealing with Westerners. Because the bow is the customary greeting in Japan, a slight bow of the head when responding to a proffered handshake is appropriate. Westerners generally are not expected to be familiar with the complex Japanese bowing protocols.
➤ Most Latinos are more accustomed to physical contact. Even people who know each other only slightly may embrace when greeting.
➤ Middle Easterners, particularly Muslims, avoid body contact with the opposite sex, but persons of the same sex commonly hug when greeting each other. When shaking hands, men should be careful not to pull their hand away too quickly.
➤ People from France, Spain, Italy, and Portugal greet friends by kissing on both cheeks.
➤ The smile is the near-universal gesture of friendliness, and in America its meaning is usually clear. The person smiling is happy, amused, and/or sending out a friendly signal. In other cultures the smile may be sending other signals. In some Latin cultures, for example, the smile may be used to say “Excuse me” or “Please.”
➤ If a person from another culture does not return your greeting smile, it doesn’t indicate hostility or bad manners. In some Asian cultures, smiling is a gesture to be reserved for informal occasions, and smiling while being formally introduced would be considered disrespectful.
➤ In many cultures, avoiding eye contact is a sign of respect, but such behavior can lead to misunderstandings. For example, some Korean shopkeepers have been accused of disrespecting their non-Korean customers because the shopkeepers avoided making eye contact. The same sort of misunderstanding has occurred between American teachers and Asian students who do not look at the teacher while he or she is speaking.

Smashing Stereotypes

2010-08-31T21:08:00.000-07:00

A good way to begin to learn about others is to get rid of what you think you already know about them. Here are some common generalizations that you need to jettison:

➤ All Latin cultures hold the siesta inviolate.
➤ Visitors from abroad are eager to be taken to a restaurant that serves what Americans consider to be the visitors’ favorite foods.
➤ Signs and gestures and loud English will bridge language gaps. (Noise never helps, and gestures send various and not always appropriate messages, depending upon the background and traditions of the observer.)
➤ Asians are remote and inscrutable.
➤ Germans are cold and superefficient.
➤ Japanese are basically shy.

If you are visiting another country or are hosting or otherwise spending time with people from other cultures, don’t hesitate to confess your ignorance of other cultures and ask for help. Your candor will be appreciated and your errors more cheerfully tolerated.

Hospital Etiquette

2010-08-31T21:06:00.001-07:00

When a friend is hospitalized, you want to show that you care, but you don’t want to demonstrate your concern in ways that will make the experience even more burdensome for your friend.

➤ Do not telephone. Calls can be burdensome or exhausting for a patient. They can also be annoying to other patients. Call the patient’s family or office to find out how things are going and have your message of concern passed on.
➤ Check with the family to see whether flowers are appropriate. Remember that nurses don’t have time to take care of flowers, and nothing is worse than a hospital room with dying flowers in it. If you want to send flowers, send them to the home on the day the patient returns home.
➤ Check with the doctor before bringing gifts of food or sweets.
➤ Send attractive and/or amusing greeting cards and include a written message, for example, “The office is a lot less cheerful and productive without you.”
➤ Send some light reading and/or books and poetry on tape. If the patient doesn’t have a tape player, supply one.
➤ Speak softly and carry a big smile.

People with disabilities are very much like people without disabilities except, perhaps, that their daily lives may require a bit more courage and character than the rest of us need. If you are uncomfortable in their presence, it is your fault, not theirs. This discomfort will disappear if, while acknowledging that they have a disability, you treat them with the same respect that you expect for yourself. They don’t want your pity, and they deserve your admiration.

Alzheimer’s and Children

2010-07-31T16:41:00.000-07:00

Taking children to visit those with Alzheimer’s disease is a valuable learning experience for the young ones and a great kindness for the older ones. Health care professionals say older patients respond positively, even joyfully, to the presence of children. And children are naturally more willing to accept people who tend to forget or confuse names and places. Children will listen to old stories and not be made uncomfortable by what older people see as disconnected ramblings. However, parents need to prepare their children for such visits. Here are a few little lessons for children (and, for that matter, adults) to learn before visiting.
➤ Say your name when you arrive and whenever asked, no matter how often.
➤ Speak slowly and clearly.
➤ Smile.
➤ Give hugs and hold hands.
➤ Be calm and gentle.
➤ Be ready to sing a song or tell a story.

Dealing with Lately Disabled People

2010-07-31T16:37:00.000-07:00

You may need an extra supply of tact and generosity with a friend or acquaintance who has become disabled later in life, possibly because of Meniere’s disease, lupus, or multiple sclerosis. Often, you may know of such disabilities only if the person actually tells you.
One of the most common reactions among the lately disabled is a feeling of extreme self-consciousness in the company of able-bodied persons. The lately disabled are acutely sensitive to pity from others.
The lately disabled may also suffer from a loss of self-esteem. They may have lost their jobs and are worried about money. Keep in mind that they are unable to do many of the things that once defined them in their own minds—things that were part of their sense of self-worth.
They may also be suffering from depression, grieving for the person they once were, and struggling toward a realization of the new person they now must be. The lately disabled may also experience boredom and wish for structure. You can help by getting them involved in activities, particularly those activities that involve exercise. Provide structure by offering to make appointments or arrangements for certain definite times and sticking to the plan.
Therefore, be prepared for displays of bad temper and frustration. And don’t take them personally.

Dealing With People Suffering Developmental Disability

2010-07-31T16:35:00.000-07:00

Dealing with people with developmental disabilities may present you with the most difficulties and require the most patience, particularly in the workplace. The key is to treat people with developmental disabilities as normally as possible and to set the same standards for them as you would for others. If, for example, the person tries to become too affectionate, explain that such behavior is not appropriate.
Make sure your tone is firm but not reprimanding. Here are some other tips:

Be careful about touching the person. Touching may signal approval of such behavior, which a person with developmental disabilities may use to curry favor.
Some people with developmental disabilities are very sensitive to body language and tone of voice. Make sure your silent messages are nonthreatening. Be firm but pleasant. Speak with a smile on your face and in your voice.
Criticism and accusatory language have a demoralizing effect on everyone. Instead of saying, “You made a mistake,” try “How about doing it like this?”
Recognize that repetition is important in teaching the developmentally disabled and be prepared to be patient.

Speech Impairment

2010-06-30T16:57:00.000-07:00

The most important thing to remember is to give your complete and unhurried attention to those who have difficulty speaking. Give them time to express themselves. Don’t interrupt or complete their sentences for them, but give help when they indicate that they need it.

Don’t correct their pronunciation.
Ask questions that require short answers or that can be answered with a nod or a gesture.
Don’t pretend to understand when you don’t. Repeat what you thought you understood. The person’s reactions will guide you.

Hearing-Loss Etiquette

2010-06-30T16:41:00.000-07:00

Hearing impairment is a less dramatic disability than blindness but is much more common. Hearing loss can be slight or complete or anywhere in between. Your response may be keyed to the degree of hearing loss. In any case here are some tips that you will find helpful.

Be sure that you have the person’s attention before you start speaking. If necessary, wave a hand, give a tap on the shoulder, or make some other signal. Do so gently.
Some deaf people depend entirely on lip reading to discern what others are saying, and many with partial hearing loss depend on it to one degree or another. Accordingly, face the person you are addressing and make sure the light is on your face so that he or she can see your lips more clearly.
Don’t get frustrated if you have to repeat yourself. If necessary, write it down or get someone to sign for you.
Don’t keep repeating the same phrases. Be flexible. Choose another word or rephrase the whole sentence. Keep in mind that some words “look” similar to a lip reader. If “I’ll drive the car around front” doesn’t seem to work, try “I’ll bring the car to the front door.” Keep your hands away from your face while speaking and don’t eat, chew, or smoke. You should be aware that a mustache may hide your lips and prevent a lip reader from understanding you.
Remember that the person with the hearing loss will rely to some degree on expressions, gestures, and body language.
Never talk from another room. When people who are hearing impaired can’t see you, they may not be aware that you are speaking.
Turn off the television or radio and reduce other background noises so that you can be heard more clearly.
Don’t shout. Don’t use exaggerated lip movements. Speak slowly and clearly.
Face the other person, preferably on the same eye level. Do not turn away until you have finished speaking.
You can bend down to get a little closer to the ear of the listener but don’t speak directly into the ear, don’t touch, and don’t shout.
Remember that fatigue, stress, illness, or fright affect everyone. External factors such as jet lag or a common cold can increase difficulty in communicating: Adjust your behavior accordingly.
When a hearing-impaired person is in a group and the others are laughing at something he hasn’t heard, explain the joke to him or let him know that you will explain it later. Because of past cruelties, your friend may be oversensitive and may think that the others are laughing at him or her.

Meeting a Blind Person for the First Time

2010-06-30T16:39:00.000-07:00

If the person is alone when you enter the room, make your presence known right away by speaking. Identify yourself when greeting the person, and if others are with you, be sure to introduce them and to specify where they are: “On my left is Helen Carver, and on my right is Mary Thompson.”
When offering a handshake, say something like “Allow me to shake your hand.” If the other person extends a hand, shake it or explain why you can’t. “I’d like to shake your hand, but I’m afraid I may drop all these files.” Remember to talk to a person without sight as you would to a person who can see. In a group use the people’s names as a clue to whom you are speaking. Address those who can’t see by name if they are expected to reply and speak to them directly in a normal tone of voice. Excuse yourself when you are leaving. Doing so is especially important when ending a conversation so the person isn’t left talking to thin air. When a person with visual impairment has to sign a document, provide a guiding device such as a ruler or a card. When handing money to a person who is blind, separate all the bills into denominations and specify whether they are ones, fives, and so on. The person with the impairment can identify coins by touch.

Tips for Dealing with Blind People

2010-05-30T22:47:00.000-07:00

Here are some other tips:

Watch out for half-opened doors. They are a hazard to everyone, but especially to a person who is blind.
Give directions with the person who is blind as the reference point, not yourself. Say: “You are facing Broad Street, and you will have to cross it and turn to your right to go east on Chestnut Street.”
When helping the person into a car or taxi, place her hand on the inside door handle, and let her go in alone.
When entering an unfamiliar office or restaurant, offer your elbow, use specifics such as right or left, and then place his hand on the back of the chair so that he can be seated without further assistance.
Don’t let self-consciousness or a misplaced sense of protectiveness make you hesitate to tell a blind person that he has egg on his shirt or that his tie is in his soup. Do so in a matter-of-fact tone of voice and let him deal with the problem himself.
Some people have a tendency to raise their voices when speaking to a blind person. If you catch yourself doing so, stop. It’s annoying.
When accompanying a person who is blind, do your best to describe the surroundings, especially terrain and spatial relationships.

Recently, I witnessed the following encounter in one of those large chain drug stores. A blind man entered and stopped inside the door. Another customer walked over to him.
“May I assist you?”
“I want to have a prescription filled.”
“The pharmacy section is in the rear of the store. I’d be glad to take you there.”
“Great. Thanks.”
“Take my elbow. We’re going about six feet straight ahead. Now we’re turning right. The floor inclines up, and there are some displays of soda in the middle of the aisle. About four steps more. Okay, shall I get the pharmacist for you?” “No, thanks. I’m fine now that I’m here.”
“Would you like me to wait and escort you out?”
“No, thanks. I can do it now. Thanks a lot.”
As you can see, the person who helped out in this situation was able to combine common sense with simple courtesy in offering help and in providing just the right amount of assistance.

Visual-Impairment Etiquette

2010-05-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

In general, guide dogs are working animals, not pets. So don’t pet them. In fact, don’t call their names or distract them in any way. Allow the dogs to accompany their owners into all stores and buildings. These dogs are trained to pay no attention to strangers while working except as objects to be avoided. Attempting to pet them while they are in harness is like urging someone to abandon a good, carefully formed habit. If the dog’s harness is off, it’s okay to ask the owner whether you can pet the animal—but don’t touch it without the owner’s permission. If you are in an environment familiar to a blind person, don’t move things, or if you do, put them back exactly as you found them. Leave closed doors closed, and open doors open. Never leave doors ajar.
Go ahead and offer assistance if you think it might be helpful, but remember that sometimes a person who is blind prefers to get along unaided. If you see a blind person without a guide dog waiting at an intersection, offer to help him or her across.
The fact that the person has stopped at the intersection may signify that he or she is waiting for help.
However, if the person says, “No, thank you,” don’t insist. If the person wants your help, offer your elbow. You will then be walking a step ahead, and the movements of your body will indicate when to change direction, when to stop and start.
Hesitate but do not stop before stepping up or down. You can say, “curb,” or “step down.”

Wheelchair Etiquette

2010-05-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

Think of the wheelchair as an extension of the person who uses it. Here are some tips, many of which also apply to those who use crutches, canes, or walkers.

In general, you should keep your hands off the wheelchair.
Respect personal space. Particularly avoid patronizing pats. Consider what your own reaction would be to this sort of behavior.
Try to place yourself at eye level when conversing for any length of time with a person in a wheelchair. It’s impossible to deal with another as a peer if one of you is looking up and the other is looking down. Besides, it’s easier on the neck for both parties and generally more comfortable.
Don’t move a wheelchair or crutches out of reach of the person who uses them unless you are asked to do so. And if you do move them, remember to place them within the sight of their owner to avoid possible uneasiness or even panic.
Don’t just decide to help out. Ask first. Push a wheelchair only after asking the occupant if you may do so. A good time to offer help is when the person in the wheelchair is encountering steep inclines or ramps or thick carpets.
If you’re planning a party or other social function, consider whether the location has access for wheelchairs. Think about such things as steep hills and obstacles when giving directions to the location. Remember that a disabled person may need extra time to reach the destination.

Taboo Words and Phrases for Disabled Persons

2010-04-30T01:52:00.000-07:00

The National Easter Seal Society advises us to eliminate certain words and phrases from our vocabulary and to replace them with positive, nonjudgmental terms:

Eliminate. Victim, cripple, afflicted with or by, and invalid—which connotes “not valid.”
Replace with. The person with a disability or, more specifically, the person with … or the person who has ….
Don’t say. Unfortunate, pitiful, poor, dumb (as in mute), deformed, blind as a bat. These terms are stereotypical, judgmental, and downright vulgar.
Say: Uses a wheelchair instead of wheelchair bound or confined to a wheelchair. Employed in the home is better than homebound employment, when referring to people who must work at home.

What Should You Talk About with a Disabled Person?

2010-04-30T01:46:00.000-07:00

People who have disabilities have families, pets, jobs, hobbies, cultural interests, or sports that they participate in. Get to know about them and their interests the same way you would with anyone else, by making conversation. You may be surprised at the range of interests and activities. Focus on who the person is and not the disability.
However, the subject of the disability is not taboo. If it comes up naturally, talk about it:

The meeting is at four o’clock. Do you need me to come by for you, or will you get there on your own?
I’ll meet you in the auditorium. There’s an accessible entrance to the left of the main entrance.

However, when talking to someone with a disability, avoid the term handicapped. Use the word disabled and save handicap for golf outings. In addition, say, “the person with the disability,” rather than “the disabled person.”
Say, “the person who has epilepsy,” rather than “the epileptic.” By doing so, you
avoid defining the person as the condition. This practice is not only more considerate
but also more accurate

Ten tips for dealing with disabled persons

2010-04-30T01:42:00.000-07:00

Here are 10 practical tips that will help you avoid feeling socially disabled when dealing with the disabled:

If you offer assistance, wait until the offer is accepted. Listen for information about what form the assistance should take.
Speak directly to the disabled person, not through a third party. This tip is particularly important when addressing a hearing-impaired person and someone else is “signing” for him.
Always offer to shake hands.
Identify yourself and others to a visually impaired person. Always let them know when you are leaving the room.
Treat adults like adults. Don’t use a person’s first name until someone asks you to. Don’t pat. Don’t patronize.
Don’t shout.Don’t touch, lean on, or move a wheelchair without permission. Treat the chair as part of the person occupying it.
Don’t distract a working seeing-eye dog.
When conversing with a person with a speech impediment, listen carefully and never pretend to understand. If in doubt, ask questions. Be patient. Don’t interrupt or inject comments during pauses. Don’t try to fill in a word for someone with a stutter. Don’t raise your voice. Louder is not better.
Don’t fret about phrases. Speak as you would normally and don’t worry about using terms such as running around (to someone in a wheelchair) or listen to that or see you later.

After-Dinner Coffee

2010-03-30T03:05:00.000-07:00

After-dinner coffee comes in demitasse cups and saucers with small coffee spoons. The cup, saucer, and spoon are to the right of the guest’s place setting. Coffee is served from the right, as are other beverages. Then pass a tray with cream, sugar, and a sugar substitute.
Alternatively, the host can place a large tray containing the coffee service on the table and then pass filled cups to each person.
If you have serving help, you might want to serve coffee away from the dining table, or you can carry the entire coffee service into the living room to pour. In this case, each guest comes up to the host to receive his coffee.
Cordials are served with coffee. You can also ask guests whether they would care for water.
Preparing and serving a dinner for your guests can be as easy or as difficult as you desire. A good idea is to decide well in advance how much effort you are prepared to expend, make a plan, and stick to it. Whatever you decide, your guests will be appreciative.

Serving the Meal

2010-03-30T03:03:00.000-07:00

Form follows function when you are serving the meal. Before you entertain, review the principles yourself and most certainly with any people you have hired to help you.

Serve guests from the left. The utensils should be positioned on the platter in a way that’s convenient for the guest to reach them. Keep your arms close to the body to avoid banging people. The idea is to give the diner convenient access to the food.
Starting points. The woman on the host’s right is served first. If the man on the hostess’s right is the guest of honor, he is served first. After that, service goes around the table counterclockwise.
If a couple are guests of honor, then the wife sitting next to the male host is served first. The service goes counterclockwise and ends with the host.
Finished plates are removed from the right side. A good trick is to use your thumb or otherwise contrive to anchor utensils to the plate so they don’t end up in people’s laps. Never scrape or stack plates while removing them.
Wine is served and removed from the right side.

Setting the Formal Table

2010-03-30T03:00:00.001-07:00

Here’s what you need:

Table decorations (centerpiece). When it comes to table decorations, many interesting variations and options are possible. Some examples of these decorations include flowers, fruits and vegetables, collections of figurines, and candles.
Butter plate and knife. These go to the upper left of your plate above the forks. The butter knife is placed horizontally across the top of the plate with the blade facing down. Some hosts place a few butter pats on the butter plate just before seating the guests, although it’s also fine to pass a small plate containing butter pats with a butter knife for guests to help themselves. Don’t own butter plates? Don’t worry. Pass around a small dish containing butter pats or balls. You can also use a dish into which you have spooned soft butter or margarine from a plastic tub, or a decorative container that disguises the plastic tub of butter or margarine by fitting around it perfectly. Pass around a butter knife or other small knife with the container so that guests can serve themselves. Guests should take from the container what they want, put it on the side of their plates, and pass the container to the next person.
Salad plates. Salad plates range in diameter from about 71⁄2 to 81⁄2 inches. (Salad plates can also be used for dessert, to hold soup cups and saucers, or to serve small food items.) Many people don’t have salad plates and simply put their salads onto dinner plates. Also, a separate salad fork is nice but not necessary. It is no great hardship to eat your salad with your dinner fork. If, however, you are serving a separate salad and cheese course between the entree and dessert, each guest will need a salad fork and a small knife as well. The sequence is this: The salad plates should be in front of all guests at the center of the place setting. Then pass the salad bowl, followed by a cheese tray with a cheese knife. Next pass the crackers. You can choose to follow the crackers with softened butter and a butter knife if guests have a coronary death wish.
Napkins. These are best folded and placed in the center of the plate. However, they can also go to the left of the forks or can be folded imaginatively in the glassware. If you are an avid napkin folder, you can pick up some books on the subject and enjoy this opportunity to be creative.
Flatware. Set the table so that people eat with utensils from the outside in. As a guest, when in doubt, this practice is always a pretty safe bet. Another idea is to single out the classiest-looking, most composed person at the table and do what that person does. If you are wrong, at least you will be in good company. The dessert fork and spoon can go horizontally at the top of the plate, the bowl of the spoon facing left and the prongs of the fork facing right. You don’t need both, but the fork often makes a useful “pusher” for the dessert. You can also serve dessert implements with the dessert.
Glassware. “Drink right, eat left” means that glasses go on the right and bread and butter plates go on the left. In other words, if you hold the fork in your left hand, you’d drink with your right hand.
Salt and pepper shakers. Place a pair of salt and pepper shakers at each end of the table. If you have a large supply of them, it’s nice to provide a pair for each guest or a pair between two guests. Sometimes people use saltcellars, which are tiny receptacles for loose salt. These have a tiny spoon either in them or on the table next to them.
Candles. Use candles only at an evening meal. Place them in the center of the table or elsewhere, as long as you make the arrangement visually appealing and keep candles out of your guests’ sight lines. Many people also place candy dishes on the table, and it is a nice, sweet touch. Place one at each end. You can use a small dish or bowl or even a stemmed glass. A good idea is to include small, excellent chocolates.

Menu Cards

2010-02-26T03:11:00.000-08:00

Menu cards can make a dinner more of an event. They also provide useful information to those concerned about diet. For example, knowing that the entree is poached fish might give a dieter license to finish off the cream soup or look forward to enjoying the dessert with a clear conscience.
Menu cards may be typed, done in calligraphy, or written in black ink. Lean them against a glass, rest them flat on the table to the left of the forks, or lay them centered over the plate above the dessert fork and spoon. Two guests may share one card, or each may have his or her own.
Write the date or the occasion at the top of the card. The courses follow in a vertical list. Wines may or may not be included.

Place Cards

2010-02-26T03:10:00.000-08:00

When you are entertaining more than eight guests for dinner, use place cards even if you have a seating chart.
Place cards are either folded tents or single cards meant to lie flat on the table. The tent-style cards have the advantage of standing up on the table so that you can write the name on both sides. In this way, others at the table can see who’s sitting where. The most elegant and costly place cards are made of thick white or off-white stock, with a narrow border of silver, gold, or another color. They measure about 2 by 31⁄2 inches, and you can purchase them from a good stationer or jeweler. Never hesitate to make your own place cards from materials readily available in your home. If they serve the purpose, use them.
Place cards can go in any of the following locations on your table:

➤ On top of a napkin, set in the middle of the plate
➤ On the table at the upper left of the place setting (above the forks)
➤ Leaning against the stem of a water or wine glass
➤ On the table, just above the middle of the plate in the place setting Write the names in black ink.

You may type them for a business meal. The important thing is to make sure the names are readily legible and large enough to see from across the table. If possible, use calligraphy on them or have someone do it for you. If all the guests know each other at an informal dinner, just write the first name of each person on his or her card. If two or more guests have the same first name, use first and last names on their cards. If not all of the guests know each other, use both names on all of the cards.
At a formal dinner party, such as a business dinner or official function, or any meal at which persons of rank will be present, use only surnames on the cards, for example, Mr. Fleischmann. If two Mr. Fleischmanns are at the table, use full names on their cards: Mr. Daniel Fleischmann.
Use the full titles of military officers and persons who hold or have held political or high appointed office, whether or not they still hold that office or title. Place cards for the mayor and governor read The Mayor and The Governor. If they no longer hold those offices, the cards read Mayor Rendell and Governor Ridge. Once an ambassador, always an ambassador. And a military officer is called by his or her retired rank forever.

The Buffet Dinner

2010-01-29T02:19:00.000-08:00

Many hosts these days prefer the informality of buffet dining, and for good reasons.
Compared to other types of entertaining, buffets

Are easier to prepare in advance.
Require less help.
Can accommodate more people, and stragglers seem less conspicuous.
Usually consist of only one course and dessert. Guests enjoy buffets because they can move around easily, meet new people, and are less likely to get stuck with a dud for the duration of the meal.

Buffet food must be easy to eat, especially if it is a standing-only party. Think about accommodating the clumsiest person you know, and you’ll do fine. Make sure you cut the food into small pieces and butter the rolls in advance. Do your best to make your buffet table a beautiful still life decorated with flowers. Place the table so that the guests have an easy time getting to it, serving themselves, and getting away from it. Sometimes two buffet tables are best for a large crowd. Another workable idea is one long table with identical dishes on either end, plates and cutlery in the center.
Don’t display desserts at the same time as the main courses. If people put dessert on the plate with other food, things get mixed up and messy and the food ends up looking as though it has already been eaten. If possible, either clear the table and reset it with dessert, or serve dessert from a separate table. For a seated buffet, serving dessert and coffee, rather than having it buffet style, is a nice touch.
Guests at a buffet must remember that they are in a private home and not at an allyou-can-eat cafeteria.

The Meal—Beginnings and Endings

2010-01-29T02:17:00.000-08:00

The host should be prepared to start the dinner table conversation if it doesn’t start by itself. Purists say that the only music appropriate for dinner is the arpeggio of sparkling conversation. I’m not sure I agree. Soft, upbeat background music can be very pleasant and brighten the mood.
Don’t hold up dinner for one or two late guests. Let them join the party whenever they arrive, at whatever point in the meal you happen to be. It is not your responsibility to turn into a short-order cook for someone who has missed a course or two. Decide in advance what your response will be when a guest asks if he or she can help with serving or clearing the table. If you think another person in your kitchen will be in the way, or be more of an annoyance than a help, be prepared to say: “Thanks so much for the offer. I’ve got my own foolproof system, so why don’t you just stay where you are and enjoy the conversation.” (Guests: If you help to clear dishes, clear each dish separately, one in each hand. Never scrape or stack the dishes.)
The host signals the end of the meal by putting his or her napkin on the table, to the left of the plate. At this point the host leads the guests out of the dining room for more conversation. Otherwise, the guests might begin taking their leave.
Although you want to keep the party going for a time after dinner, feel free to tell late-staying partiers that you are tired and must call it a night.
Guests who leave the party early should do so with as little fanfare as possible so that others don’t start following suit, thereby bringing the festivities to a premature or awkward close. Do say good-night to your host, however. You can avoid being persuaded to remain by simply saying thank you and good-night. Send a thank-you note to your host the next day. At the very least, call.

At the Table

2010-01-29T01:12:00.000-08:00

Never let seating happen by accident.
Every party of more than eight people should have place cards. (See “Place Cards” later in the chapter for details.)
For groups smaller than eight, the host should have a clear idea of seating and so instruct the guests.
Without assigned seats, guests often feel awkward making their way to the table, afraid to interrupt a conversation or afraid to branch out. Open seating can result in an uncomfortable scene with people trying to decide where to sit, people sitting and then moving, and impromptu field marshals trying to take over to organize the seating according to their own prejudices. Place cards, on the other hand, make people feel special, protected, looked after.
Guests should never, ever, rearrange place cards to suit themselves.

Seating

2009-12-31T11:07:00.000-08:00

You often need perseverance and a clear voice to get guests in to dinner, especially if you have a crowd. The host should announce with authority that dinner is ready and then take a couple of guests by the arm and lead them into the dining room. Don’t worry about interrupting someone’s conversation. After all, it is a dinner party. After you start the procession, drop back to the rear and round up the stragglers. Leave drink glasses behind as you go into dinner. If the party is informal, though, and you are drinking wine, it is fine to carry your wine glass with you to the table, although you will probably find fresh glasses there.

Be a Mix Master

2009-12-31T11:06:00.000-08:00

Arrange your furniture so small groups will gather to chat instead of forming one large ring around the center of the room. Never have all the appetizers and hors d’oeuvres on one table or tray in the center. This arrangement discourages conversation. Lighting should be fairly bright at the beginning of the party. It looks festive, and guests like to see what’s going on. Dim the lights as the evening progresses. The host should be most visible and available at the start of a party when the guests are arriving. Put your guests at ease by taking their coats and offering them each a drink. Even if you have hired help, you should greet all your guests personally unless the party is so huge that doing so is physically impossible. Take each guest around the room and introduce him or her to everyone. Don’t ever leave a guest unless he or she is well into a conversation. Shoving a drink into a guest’s hand does not assure that he or she will immediately begin to have a good time. Guests need attention.

Cocktails

2009-12-31T11:03:00.000-08:00

If you’re invited to dinner, arrive within five minutes of the time on the invitation, no later.
The cocktail hour should be just that—one hour—preferably less, just long enough for the guests to arrive, have a drink, and become accustomed to the group. Letting the alcohol flow on endlessly is rude, unsafe, and unhealthy, and too much to drink ruins your taste for the meal.
If you’re serving hard liquor, keep the choices simple. All you need are gin, vodka, bourbon, scotch, club soda or mineral water, soft drinks, fruit juice, and tonic. You can go the extra mile and provide garnishes, such as fruit, green olives, and pearl onions, but they are not necessary.
It’s fine to set up a self-service bar. Remember that people are consuming less alcohol and caffeine these days, so stock some nonalcoholic drinks and caffeine-free colas.

The Simple Menu in Dinner

2009-11-30T03:58:00.000-08:00

People are so busy and so health- and weight-conscious these days that most of your guests will be perfectly pleased if you count the hors d’oeuvres as the first course. You can serve hors d’oeuvres, attractively arranged on platters placed around the room for people to sample, during the cocktail hour. This setting lends itself to the great variety of prepared foods available today. Avoid user-unfriendly foods that are perilous to furniture and clothing. Everything should be simple enough to be picked up with fingers, speared with a toothpick, or spread with a knife.
Your main course can be as simple as a casserole with a salad or baked ham. It is a good idea to avoid roasts, which depend on a precise serving time and taste like shoe leather if left uneaten for too long.
Don’t think that you must purchase expensive food for your party. I once attended a dinner for out-of-towners given by a famous Philadelphia hostess. She served scrapple—a traditional Philadelphia cornmeal dish—lentils, scrambled eggs, hashbrown potatoes, and chocolate ice cream with raspberry sherbet. She told her guests that she was treating them to “a flavor of Philadelphia.” The guests loved it. And, of course, the story of Eleanor Roosevelt serving hot dogs to the Queen of England is legendary.
You can also take advantage of the gourmet take-out shops, which will have your food ready for pickup or delivery just when you want it. If you’re trying a shop for the first time, talk to the owner and taste the food in advance. These shops can be a godsend for “everybody works” households.
Balance is important. If your main course is light, a heavier dessert works well, and vice versa. In any case, dessert is important. I have noticed that otherwise dietconscious people quickly develop calorie amnesia when dessert arrives at someone else’s table. However, when a guest doesn’t eat what you are serving, don’t think you have to whip up something special just for him or her. If you like exotic foods and plan to serve them, ask your guests when you invite them if they like, say, moussaka. A guest who is too polite to refuse something he or she doesn’t like after you cook it often will not hesitate to tell you candidly about his or her dislikes beforehand.
As a guest, you should let your host know if you have special dietary needs. If you are a vegetarian, have serious food allergies, are kosher, or avoid certain foods for health reasons, make it known when you are invited. The host then can create a menu that will please everyone and still take your needs into consideration. Or the host may prepare an additional side dish for you, augment the side dishes, or just advise you to bring your own food. Carol Channing is famous for bringing her own food to parties.

Buying and Serving Wine Etiquette

2009-11-30T03:53:00.000-08:00

If you’re not a wine connoisseur, get advice on buying wine from either a knowledgeable liquor-store owner or a friendly restaurateur. Describe the menu and ask for moderately priced selections. One of my friends simply went to a liquor store and purchased a case of its most costly red Burgundy. The proprietor was thrilled, of course, but the value of the wine was lost on most guests. You don’t need to be extravagant to be elegant. What you need is to be generous and make sure there is enough to go around.
Many parties these days do not have “hard bars,” meaning they do not serve hard liquor. If you are serving only wine, plan on a bottle per person. If you are serving wine only during the meal, plan on half a bottle per person.
Serve red wine at room temperature. To allow the wine to breathe, open the bottle about 30 minutes before you serve it. Opening the wine permits the air to develop the bouquet and improve the taste of the wine.
Chill white wines about two hours before serving them. If you must chill the wine more quickly, the best method is to immerse the bottles in a tub of water and ice cubes up to the neck. It doesn’t help to put the wine in a freezer.
When the meal begins, the host should stand and walk around the table to fill each wineglass. If it’s an informal party, the host can simply fill the glasses of the people closest to him and ask them to pass the other glasses down. The host’s job is to make sure the glasses are replenished. Guests should not help themselves to wine or ask for more. It is fine for a host to offer the wine bottle to a guest with an empty glass and say, “Please help yourself.”
Fill wine glasses about halfway so that the imbiber can appreciate the bouquet of the wine. Don’t wrap your wine bottles in napkins when you serve. Inviting people into your home involves careful planning and considerable effort, but entertaining at home repays many times over. Having guests under your roof provides a special pleasure. And you flatter people by inviting them because you are bestowing a gift that only you have the power to give—the hospitality of your home.

The Caterer

2009-11-30T03:51:00.001-08:00

A caterer can be a godsend for a large party. Costs vary widely, depending on how elaborate your menu needs are, the kind of help you need, and the time of your party. Night hours are more expensive, as are prime-time occasions, such as New Year’s Eve.
Many caterers require a retainer of half the amount of the food costs. This payment is an assurance that you won’t back out at the last minute. Tip caterers’ employees unless a service charge is added to the bill. Otherwise, give the head waiter 20 percent of the total bill to divide among the workers. If you’re not familiar with the caterer’s work, make sure you see his or her equipment and taste the food before you sign a contract. And make sure the contract specifies that payment of the bill will depend upon fulfilling the contract. If possible, ask if you can peek in on a party the caterer is doing. Many catered parties are so big that a brief visit can pass unnoticed.
Keep in mind that communication is vital when it comes to making catering arrangements.
Whatever you leave unclear is bound to go wrong.

Hired Hands in Party

2009-10-28T10:00:00.002-07:00

Try to hire one person to help if you’re entertaining more than six people for dinner. Agencies can provide aspiring actors and students who are experienced at garnishing, serving, and cleanup. The help frees you to prepare the menu and be with your guests.
Above all, do not feel guilty or self-conscious about hiring help. Guests do not expect superhuman efforts on the part of their host. They expect their host to relax and enjoy the party along with them.
You may be able to hire a friend’s college-age children. Some amateur cooks love to work parties and are flattered to be asked. Best of all is hiring your own children, as long as you pay them fairly. They know where things belong, and the experience helps them to become at ease at parties.
If none of these less-expensive alternatives are available, you will have to go the agency route. These workers are bonded and insured, which means that—in the unlikely event that something is stolen or broken negligently and you can prove it—the insurance company will pay to replace it.
Agencies work in two ways: The host pays the agency, which pays the workers; or the host pays the workers, who give a commission to the agency. In either case it is not necessary to tip bonded household workers, because their cost is so high to begin with. You also do not tip independent workers who are their own bosses.

Hired Hands in Party

2009-10-28T10:00:00.001-07:00

Party Invitations

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If you want an immediate response and your party is of a fairly manageable size, invite guests by telephone. It’s true that voice mail and answering machines may make the contact less direct than you would like, but people tend to respond more promptly to telephone messages than to written correspondence.
Remember to smile when you make that call. It is true that a smile can be heard over the telephone. (If you are wondering what your voice sounds like, record it and listen.)
Remember that invitations of any kind should be welcoming and inviting. You don’t necessarily have to use engraved stationery, but the invitation should convey a spirit of festivity. Even if you write a personal note, it should convey this spirit and make the person feel especially welcome.
Whether you are inviting people by telephone o by mail, be sure to communicate all of the vital elements of an invitation—who, what, when, where, why. Include a map or verbal directions to the location. It is also kind to clue people in about how to dress. If you are inviting someone you have just met or don’t know well, give that person some idea about who else will be present. Some singles feel awkward going solo, so decide well in advance whether to invite them to bring a friend. If not, make sure they know there will be others in the same boat at the party. You don’t have to be a matchmaker and shouldn’t be tempted into those murky waters. Just prevent people from feeling like fifth wheels. Here are some examples:
➤ “I am calling to invite you to dinner next Friday, the tenth, and if you’d like to bring a friend, by all means do, although we’d be delighted to have just you.”
➤ “We’d like to invite you and a friend for dinner on the tenth.”
➤ “We’d like to invite you to dinner on the tenth.”
As a guest, never assume an invitation means to bring a guest. Always respond to an invitation immediately. It’s fine to ask who else will be there, but not until after you’ve given your answer. Otherwise, your reply will seem conditional on the guest list.

Negative Additions

2009-10-28T09:58:00.000-07:00

What do you do about the unexpected guest or the last-minute addition? If you can accommodate the extra person without undue disruption, do so gracefully and as cheerfully as possible.
However, there are situations in which you should refuse to accept the added guest. It may be that adding a seemingly discordant plate or flatware to your perfectly set table would just make you crazy. And you can’t just fabricate a seventh Cornish hen when you have planned a party for six.
The refusal should be accomplished with as much grace and good humor as possible to avoid bad feelings. One reputedly excellent hostess used to call on me regularly to attend her seated dinner parties. One day she called to invite me to dinner, and I told her that I had gotten married the month before. “That’s terrible,” she said. “What will I do? You can’t bring your husband. It will ruin my seating arrangement.” Happily, I never heard from her again.

Men and Women

2009-09-28T08:18:00.000-07:00

Fortunately, we’re beyond the days when only an equal number of men and women were invited to parties. It’s too much trouble to try to strike an even balance, and you don’t want people to have the feeling that they are assigned to someone. Today’s career-oriented people are happier flying solo than they are being stuck with trying to amuse some unamusing fellow guest. Of course, you should always try to have a reasonable balance, but don’t try to match up people.
Unfortunately, many divorced women and widows are still omitted from guest lists, even in what we like to think of as our enlightened times. It is not only kind but also fair to make an effort to include them. After all, they are no less interesting now than when they were married.

Understanding Your Motive in Party

2009-09-28T06:56:00.000-07:00

The host motivation for the party has a lot to do with the guest list. See if you can find a good motive for yourself:

To pay back for invitations you’ve accepted in the past
To reaffirm friendships
To show off a new home, painting, furniture, and so on
To honor someone
To say thank you to people who’ve helped you with a particular project or problem
To get to know new neighbors or colleagues
To generate future party invitations for yourself

I know a woman who travels widely and spends at least two weeks in each destination. She gives a cocktail party the first evening she arrives. The next day she waits for invitations that will keep her busy for the rest of her visit. Don’t be afraid to tell friends that you are giving a party that doesn’t include them. I was pleased to learn, for example, that I was not invited to a cocktail party given by a scientist friend for his colleagues. There would have been, necessarily, a lot of shop talk exclusive to the group and baffling to me. If shop talk is inevitable, the general rule is to invite only those who can participate and/or enjoy it.

Creating the Guest List

2009-09-28T06:14:00.000-07:00

A party is only as good as its guests, so consider the chemistry of the group you’re putting together when you make out your guest list. This exercise is entirely subjective, and every host has a private formula. But here’s a list of do’s and don’ts to help you learn some general rules.
DO:

Think of the party as an opportunity to bring together people who don’t know each other but who will probably enjoy meeting one another.
Think of the party as an opportunity to bring together old friends who never seem to have enough time to visit with one another.
Invite people who will appreciate the invitation and will make an effort to contribute to the success of the party.

DON’T:

Invite just one type of person. A room full of lawyers or doctors is almost antithetical to the very idea of a party.
Throw in a person or a couple who don’t really fit the group just because you owe them a dinner.
Invite known adversaries on the theory that it will make the party livelier. It may make the party livelier than you had hoped.

Everybody has his or her own little tricks and preferences when it comes to making up a guest list.
My personal formula, for example, always includes

A banker, because bankers know a little about a lot of industries and can talk about what’s going on in the economy.
A journalist, because journalists ask great questions.
Somebody involved in politics, however tangentially.
A restaurateur, because the entire world is interested in dining out and in food.
Someone in marketing, because marketers usually have something interesting to say about trends and tastes and what people are buying.

The best guests are those who know how to sing for their supper. They know that guests as well as hosts have a responsibility to contribute to the party. They will encourage and add to conversation. They are positive and cheerful. You can depend on them. An interesting person who loves to talk—even if it’s about himself—will amuse a handful of people and get others talking as well.

Just Do It!

2009-08-28T09:31:00.000-07:00

The best way to get over your worries about entertaining is to just go ahead and give a party. Think about starting small. Most people are so pleased to be invited to someone’s home that the magnitude of the party doesn’t matter. One of my most pleasant memories is of my neighbor’s annual holiday dessert gettogether. Several neighborhood couples gathered at her house for after-dinner desserts, all purchased from nearby pastry shops and served with so much warmth and grace that we all felt very special. The fire was roaring, the candles were lit, the coffee and cordials were warm. She was a working mother with more chores than time, but these small, uncomplicated gatherings were always successful.

Something Awful Will Happen!

2009-08-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

Yes. Something is bound to go wrong. But guess what? Guests are forgiving. Glitches can actually enliven the party atmosphere, bring people together, and generate conversation. And apparent disasters morph into amusing anecdotes that become topics of conversations for future parties.
Nobody ever notices if the china doesn’t match. And if someone does, he or she won’t care. Furthermore, you should expect last-minute cancellations and additions, so if someone doesn’t make it, it’s no reflection on you. Remember that the only way such minor upsets can have a negative impact on your party is if you let your guests know that you are upset.

People Will Be Bored to Death!

2009-08-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

You can also rid yourself of the dread that your party will resemble a low-rent funeral by being prepared. Make a list of topics to bring up if the conversation falls into a black hole. You probably won’t ever face this situation, but you will feel better knowing that you are prepared. Another tip is to practice your introductions and the tidbits of information you will supply about each person when you introduce them, for example:

“Jill is a writer, so you may end up in her next book if you’re not careful.”
“Tom is a detective, and he has some wonderful stupid-crook stories.”

I Can’t Handle a Party Alone!

2009-07-28T20:28:00.000-07:00

Throwing a great party by yourself is hard but not impossible. But you can always ask for help. Team up with a friend or two and jointly host the party. Or get one person to serve officially as your cohost. You can divide the labor—one of you watching the back of the house, to make sure food and drinks flow generously, and the other watching the front, to keep the conversation flowing and to get the guests interested in one another.
And when assigning party duties, remember that men no longer can get away with the outdated notion that entertaining is for women only.

I Can’t Cook!

2009-07-28T20:24:00.000-07:00

Just because you’re not an ace in the kitchen is no excuse for not giving a party. Catering firms and even neighborhood restaurants will supply complete meals already cooked. Or you can have friends bring food. As long as the food is fresh and flavorful and has some eye appeal, who actually cooked it doesn’t matter. Some of my friends routinely rely on the gourmet takeout in their neighborhoods. These businesses can supply a full meal, piping hot or easily heated, to be delivered at a specified time. Some people prepare the entree and rely on the gourmet shop for side dishes.
Or you might discover that preparing food is not as tough as you thought. You might just find the experience very satisfying and a boost to your self-esteem. And you don’t need an extensive repertoire to have some style. One of my friends knows how to make just two entrees. She calls them Fish Forman, after herself, and Chicken Mary Monica, after me. These form the centerpiece of her parties, and she fills in the table with prepared side dishes and desserts to create different moods and menus.

Understanding Party Phobias

2009-07-28T20:19:00.000-07:00

You can’t possibly give a party until you have added a wing, knocked out a wall, repainted everything, and landscaped the yard.
Come on. You know the truth. You are your own best witness. The truth is that when you leave a really good party, you leave with the overall impression of having been warmly welcomed by gracious people and of having had a fine, comfortable time. You do not leave a really good party thinking about cracking paint or whether the china matched. The truth is that everything must be neat and clean. All else can be forgiven. Now let’s break down some of the more enduring myths about the perils of Can life as we know it continue without a silver chafing dish? Sure. Friends and relatives can supply some of the necessities, and you can improvise in ways that will actually make the party more fun. Did you ever hear the one about the hostess who filled her bathtub with ice and kept wine and beer chilled there? Her inventiveness is now part of entertaining tradition. The possibilities are endless. And isn’t it sort of insulting to believe that your friends will think less of you because your spoons are not monogrammed or your furniture is not brand new or tastefully antique?

The Big Question

2009-06-23T08:22:00.000-07:00

The questions about dating, parties, and meeting people may eventually give way to the more serious questions: Is this the real thing? Am I in love? Of course, you can’t give this question a yes or no answer. What you can do when this question arises is talk about the elements that make relationships between people of any age work.

Honesty. Can you be truthful with this person? Can you be yourself? Do you really like heavy-metal music, or are you just listening to it because your partner does? Are you going places and doing things and saying things just to please the other person, or because you want to?
Support. Do you support and praise each other? Offering your support, though, doesn’t mean you have to agree all the time. Players on the same sports team don’t always agree on the next move, but after the decision is made, they honor and back it 100 percent.
Friendship. Are you the other person’s best friend? Do you show that you are listening and trying to understand his or her feelings? Never dismiss the feelings of a friend as silly or unimportant.
Faithfulness. Do you stick by each other when disappointments arise? Do you try to see disappointments through the other person’s eyes?
Respect for others. Do both of you respect important people in each other’s life? Maybe you would rather be bitten by a snake than visit your friend’s parents, but you go anyway, you are polite, and you don’t complain about the visit later, no matter how awful it was.
Fun. Do you have fun together? Laugh a lot? Shared laughter is a sign of an easy relationship.
Giving space. Can you accept the fact that the other person has his or her own life? Everybody needs time alone.

Possessiveness is unnecessary in a healthy relationship. It’s tough enough, what with all the changes going on in their bodies and their heads, with new situations, new people, complex problems, and murky waters. Why make it tougher by telling young people that there are no rules or that rules are meant to be broken? It is a comfort and a steadying beacon for young people to know the rules and guidelines for interpersonal behavior—even if they are ignored.

The Truth About Substance Abuse

2009-06-23T08:21:00.000-07:00

You should be talking to your children about drugs long before you have a heart-t oheart discussion of sex. It’s never too early to say drugs are bad, that drugs hurt your body, and that we should feel sorry for people who use drugs. Young people can easily get the idea that drugs, tobacco, and alcohol are part of a dark and dangerous, fascinating and adult world. The truth of the matter—and the truth it’s up to you to bring home—is that the drug scene is shabby and sordid and apt to be infested with twisted, dangerous people.
Your children should know that, sooner or later, someone will approach them with illegal drugs, maybe even offering to let them puff on a marijuana joint. He or she will tell your children that “it’s no big deal” and “mild.” It’s up to you to let them know that no drug is mild. All drugs will alter the people who take them and diminish those people in some way. Tell your children that people who offer them drugs are merchants of death.
Throughout childhood, from kindergarten on, you can do a lot by warning children of the dangers that lie ahead. It’s like the wicked witch and the poisoned apple. These warnings, however, should be accompanied by the reassurance that people can always just say no and walk away.
Teenagers are most vulnerable to drugs. Their peers who do drugs often appear to be the cool ones, the brave, rebellious ones. You should always know what your teenagers are doing in their spare time. Keep them from visiting homes where you know there is drinking or drug use.
When you warn youngsters about alcohol abuse, hit them with the hard truths. People who abuse alcohol suffer brain, liver, and heart damage. They become bloated, red-faced, nutritionally starved. They end up weak, stupid, and sick. When it comes to social drinking, warn them that even a small amount of alcohol has its effects. If your youngsters find themselves in a situation where they feel strong social pressure to drink, as at a college party, they can sip slowly, eat plenty, and drink water to minimize the effect of the alcohol.
Perhaps the strongest argument you can make about drugs, alcohol, and tobacco is the one you make by staying away from all three yourself.

Etiquette, Sex and Drugs

2009-06-23T08:20:00.000-07:00

Even before young people begin talking about dating or who is “seeing” whom, it’s time to bring up the subject of sex. Don’t wait for an opening or the right time. Just do it. The way you address the topic with boys and with girls will differ, but the basic message is the same. Sex is a very serious matter and can have profound, life-altering consequences. And, in the case of disease, those consequences can even be deadly. Boys and girls should know that many thoughtful and sophisticated people believe in sexual abstinence prior to marriage. They can present some powerful moral and religious and practical arguments in favor the idea. The same arguments hold water in the case of avoiding casual sex and waiting until a serious, committed relationship exists before having sex.
Girls need to be armed with reasons for saying no and a way to say it without using crushing, sarcastic, or insulting language. Men who have been turned down in a nice way sometimes become great friends or even husbands later on. Girls can say, “I’m not ready for that kind of relationship. I’d like to continue seeing you, but I’m not ready to have sex with you.” If the other person persists, a girl can simply say that she has made up her mind to wait until marriage.
Your daughter should know that, no matter what they say, young men respect a woman with moral conviction, self-discipline, self-respect, and virtue. If the man is attracted to the woman and respects her, he will not be driven away by a polite or even flattering rejection.
Tell her that her youth is essentially over and her life is changed forever when a girl gets pregnant.
Tell your son about what AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases do to the body. Tell him that condoms are not a magical solution. Mistakes happen and have profound consequences.
Tell him that a “man who’s a man,” has self-control and moral integrity, that he respects women and treats them as equal human beings and as emotional and intellectual partners.

Dating Etiquette

2009-05-27T07:49:00.000-07:00

Whether the guy or girl is asking someone for a date, the basics are the same. The invitation should not be entirely unexpected. There should be some positive, friendly feelings for each other. Get to know the person on a casual level before proposing a date. If the person declines, listen for verbal clues that will tell you whether you should ask for another date at another time. If you are the one saying no and you really would go if you could, say you are sorry about the conflict and hope the person will ask you again.
If you have to decline because you’re not allowed to date, tell the truth and don’t be embarrassed. We all have to live by rules we don’t like at one time or another. Say “Thank you for asking, but my parents don’t allow me to date yet.” Don’t make a big deal out of it. Don’t act as if your parents are from the wax museum. You might even suggest other ways you can get together—school activities, sports, cultural events, and parties.
If you feel that you’d never want to date a person who asks you out, say something like “Thanks very much, I have other plans. It was really nice of you to think of me.” You don’t have to talk about these other plans. They could involve taking a nap or washing your hair.
When asking someone on a date, ask face-to-face or by telephone, not by e-mail or voice mail. Give plenty of advance notice, at least four days. If the invitation comes late, it could give the impression the person is being asked because somebody else couldn’t make it. Also make sure that you’re specific when posing the question to avoid any confusion or misinterpretation.
For example, “Would you like to go to the new Jackie Chan movie with me on Friday night?” is much clearer than “Wanna go to the movies sometime?” Make it plain that you’re asking for a date for a certain place, time, and event. But don’t buy the tickets in advance. That involves too much pressure. You might also clarify whether you would like to provide transportation or just meet the person there. “Would you like to go to the new Star Trek movie with me on Saturday afternoon? I can meet you outside the theater at 4 P.M.”
Decide what kind of date it will be. Remember that the idea is for both of you to have a good time. A staunch football fan might not enjoy an evening at the ballet. First dates should be easy and casual for both people.
Don’t make it into a big deal that causes nervousness.
Keep the cost down so that reciprocating won’t be difficult.
Remember that it’s up to you to take care of the details.
Get to the theater early and buy the tickets.
Usually the person who does the asking does the paying. Don’t expect your date to split expenses unless you have worked that out in advance. If you are going to share expenses, which is okay and often done, be clear about it: “I was hoping we could catch the discount early show and then go to the Pizza Kitchen. It shouldn’t cost more than $10 each.”
No matter what arrangements you make, never go on a date without money. It’s wise to make sure you have enough to get home on your own, at the very least.
Finally, if your date is going to pick you up at home, brief your parents in advance. Greet your date at the door. Lead him to your parents and say, “Mom, Dad, this is David Smith. We got to know each other because we’re in the same history class.” Allow a few minutes for conversation before you leave, which will put your parents at ease and make you look self-confident. These few minutes could pay off later. Your parents will feel better about the company you’re keeping and be more inclined to condone the relationship.
After the first date, the one who was invited should call or send a note saying that he or she had a good time. An e-mail is not good enough.

Behavior Between the Genders

2009-05-27T07:45:00.000-07:00

Proper conduct between the sexes can be puzzling and troublesome even for those of us who have had years of practice. Imagine how difficult it must be for children and teenagers. No area of etiquette is changing faster. What was once considered polite might now be considered insulting. What was once common sense might now be irrelevant. The old rules of chivalry dictated how men and women treated each other for centuries. They called for deference by virtue of gender, age, and social caste. These rules have been supplanted to a great degree by what may be called “corporate etiquette.” In the past 30 or 40 years, women and minorities have exerted enormous influence on corporate culture, which is based on deference according to corporate rank, much like any military system.
As parents of both sexes and from all social groups entered the corporate culture, they absorbed this military-like system of etiquette. Naturally, their children learned far more of these corporate attitudes and manners than of those based on chivalry. Thus the rules of chivalry have faded, and corporate etiquette has emerged as the dominant force governing modern interpersonal relationships in most parts of America. The impact of all of this on relations between the sexes has been dramatic and confusing, particularly for young people. Remnants of the old rules of chivalry remain to haunt and sometimes confuse budding relationships. Young people often look to parents for some road maps through this unpredictable landscape. When young people ask about rules in the area of relations between the sexes, they are really asking for clues to an eternal mystery. It seems to them that two distinct species are inhabiting the earth. The opposite sex acts, speaks, and dresses differently, is interested in different things, and relates to his or her same-sex friends differently. However, some very clear rules can help young people deal with the usual and, for them, terribly, terribly important questions and situations that arise between the sexes.

Clueless

2009-05-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a youngster (or an adult for that matter) will be in a group that is discussing something he or she knows nothing about. Kids sometimes respond by sighing theatrically, rolling their eyes, or yawning. Let them know that this behavior is not only rude but also uncool. The thing to do is to be quiet and listen. See whether you can get a handle on what’s happening. Ask questions. People love to demonstrate superior knowledge and will be glad to answer. If somebody asks your opinion, just say you don’t know enough about the subject to have an opinion.

Understanding Children Fight

2009-04-26T10:33:00.000-07:00

All children fight with their friends now and then. Let your children know that everyone, even you, gets into arguments, and that most people feel rotten about it afterwards. These fights are not the end of the world; they are not necessarily even the end of a friendship.
And part of feeling rotten after a fight is knowing that you said or did something during the fight that you regret. Let your young warrior know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying to the adversary: “Look, I’m sorry I called you a no-neck dweeb. I didn’t mean it.” Often this step results in a similar apology from the other person, and fences get mended. The point is that disagreements do not mean disrespect. But when making apologies, the combatants have to be careful not to rehash the fight as if it were a movie they saw together. That’s how fences get unmended very quickly.
Fights cause problems for noncombatants, as well. Suppose your youngster tells you that two “best friends” have had a fight, and each of them is telling your child about it.
Tell your child that the trick here is to listen without taking sides. The situation also presents an opportunity to act as peacemaker by telling each person separately that the other one is “really bummed out about the fight you two had.”

Child Etiquette in Party

2009-04-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

Do you remember when you were invited to your first party? If you do, you probably remember the turmoil that went with the invite: What should I wear? Suppose I don’t know anybody? What will I talk about?
In regard to attire, your child can call the host and ask what he or she will be wearing. Or your child can call the parents of the host and check it out. But the attire problem is not the entire problem.
Whether your youngster wants to admit it or not, this is all about our old friend—shyness. When you talk to your child about it, you might want to call it nervousness. In addressing this subject, I often give a little talk about the Olympics. It goes like this:
If you have ever watched the Olympics, you have seen athletes push themselves
beyond what they thought were their physical limits. If you ask the athletes
how they do so and how they overcome the nervousness they must feel before
the competition, they will say, “Preparation.” They get ready physically and
mentally. They go over what they must do again and again, anticipating difficult
patches and challenges, and deciding how they will deal with them. By the
time the event begins, they are ready, excited, and confident. Tell your child to deal with nervousness about the party in the same way. Also, ask
your child what he expects to happen. Will there be dancing? Games? How large a crowd will there be? Tell your child to write down the answers.
Now, tell her to make a second list, a private one, of all of her best qualities. Maybe she really likes her hair or eyes. Maybe she has a great sense of humor that nobody knows about. Maybe she knows a lot about soccer or a certain kind of music. Recognizing these qualities will help her feel more confident and self-assured.
Next, tell your youngster to make a list of things he can talk about at the party. Magazines, newspapers, the radio, or television are all good sources for ideas. Now tell your child to imagine himself at the party, laughing and talking with others.
Imagine walking over to somebody who looks nervous and shy and starting a conversation with that person. One thing your child might say is, “I noticed that you don’t seem to know a lot of people here either. My name is ….”

Child Relations with Teachers

2009-04-26T10:29:00.000-07:00

If a teacher pronounces your child’s name wrong, tell the child not to make a face. A youngster should never correct the teacher in front of the class. She or he should ask to see the teacher before or after class and explain how “my family” pronounces the name.
If your child gets blamed for something unfairly, it doesn’t help to argue the issue in front of the class. It embarrasses everybody and only makes matters worse. Instead, discuss the situation with the teacher in private. Your intervention could and should result in a public apology in class.
A birthday, Christmas, or end-of-year gift to your child’s teacher must not be extravagant and should be something that everyone in the class can contribute to. No one in the class should be embarrassed about not being able to afford to contribute. Super gifts are plants or CDs or nice chocolates. An even better idea is for the class to make something for the teacher, perhaps a poster with a signed class picture. Wrap it—and don’t forget to get a card that everyone can sign.

Being a new student

2009-03-28T22:48:00.000-07:00

If your child is about to enter a new school, you can be sure that she will experience a certain amount of anxiety about how to behave in the new surroundings. Here are some helpful tips you can pass along:
➤ Pay attention to your classmates instead of feeling uneasy because you don’t know them. This way, you will discover who shares your interests about school subjects, sports, and so on.
➤ Don’t be afraid to strike up a conversation: “Hi. I’m Julie Thomas, and I just started at this school. I noticed that you really seem to like math class. So do I. What other things do you like to do?”
➤ Get involved. Extracurricular activities, like sports and clubs, are an excellent way to get involved with the new school. Don’t be afraid to volunteer. Many, many stars got to the top by starting as volunteers.

Cheating in school

2009-03-28T22:38:00.000-07:00

Your child tells you that somebody in class is copying answers from his test papers, and he doesn’t like it. Should he tell the teacher?
The answer is, probably not.
Cheating is wrong, and he should not be a part of it. But shielding his paper should do the trick and may even send a message to the teacher without him saying a word. If that doesn’t work, he should get the miscreant alone and say something like “Look, quit trying to crib from my test papers. You know what you’re doing is wrong. Others have noticed it, too.”
In the unlikely event that these tactics fail, the teacher should be notified.

Dealing with Bullies

2009-03-28T22:34:00.000-07:00

Bigger, meaner kids who pick on littler nicer kids are all too common today, as they have been in the past. Make it clear to your kids that they never have to put up with physical abuse. If they’re slapped, pinched, or pushed around in any way, they must tell either you or their teachers, and then it’s up to the adults to take care of the situation. (You might want to consider one of those martial-arts training programs that are so popular with children in first grade or older. The good ones emphasize selfdefense as opposed to aggressive behavior, and they tend to develop self-confidence.) Let your child know why bullies act the way they do. The main points you want to make are

Bullies use threats and force to try to control people by making them afraid. It is the only way they have of gaining acceptance or status.
Bullies have no real friends.
No matter what they say or do, their behavior is a reflection of their problems, not yours.
Don’t try to please or placate the bully or his clique. This is not the kind of group you want to be accepted by. Find others at school who feel the same way; they are the people you want for friends.

While we’re on the subject of bullies, also let your children know that they do not have to share their lunch if they don’t want to. Your child should simply say no, and if someone tries to get it from him or her by threats or force, the child should tell both you and his or her teacher.
Last, it is not abusive, but instead considered part of the school tradition, for older students to treat younger students as second-class citizens. For example, sixth and seventh graders may confine fifth graders to a certain part of the cafeteria or playground. Your child should accept this practice as cheerfully as possible and wait until she becomes a sixth grader. It’s not just older students entirely, but tradition.

The ABCs of School Etiquette

2009-02-25T20:34:00.001-08:00

School comes along at the worst possible time. On top of experiencing the normal childhood fears, awkwardness, and other growing pains, children are for the first time meeting authority figures who are not their parents and peers who are not their siblings. It’s a time when a child should be armed with a code of behavior and a positive attitude about manners and respect for others. In brief, a child should know about etiquette.
Unfortunately, etiquette is not one of the subjects that administrators include in the curriculum of most schools.
Consider how life would improve for most students if elementary school provided that missing code of conduct in an orderly and systematic fashion, by an adult other than a parent and with the use of a textbook to give the code weight and authority. The truth is, we have to make up as best we can for this lack.

Child Etiquette in School

2009-02-25T20:32:00.001-08:00

By all standards, children ask more questions about getting along with other children than about any other aspect of human interaction. No matter how straightforward or even trivial the questions may seem to you, remember that, to the youngster, these matters are worrisome, complicated, and urgently important. Children absolutely need to know certain things when dealing with their peers, and learning these things from adults is a lot less painful than learning through experience. They need to know about the rules—etiquette if you will—that will help them behave appropriately in difficult situations:

Parties: What do you wear? What do you say? What do you do?
Dates: Who asks? Who pays? What do you wear? What do you say? What do you do?

Youngsters also have to know that all friends have disagreements, even fights, and that doesn’t mean they have to stop being friends. They have to know how to respond to bullies and to kids who cheat in school.
It’s a complicated world. Children need all the information they can get. This chapter helps you give your child the answers they need.

Condolence Letters from Children

2009-02-25T20:29:00.000-08:00

A parent of your child’s close friend has died. Even if your child has attended the funeral, sent flowers, visited, or telephoned, a condolence letter is a must. A commercial sympathy card will not do. Remember that condolence letters are comforting and diverting for those who have suffered a loss. Sometimes they become part of the family history to be passed down through the generations.
The letter should be written in ink with a fountain pen if possible. Try to use black ink. If the child’s handwriting is hard to read, it is all right to have the letter typed and signed in ink.
The condolence letter should not be a formal, formula letter; it should be written from the heart. Your child can begin by acknowledging the friend’s loss and saying that he or she feels sad about it. The condolence letter is the place to recall the special characteristics of the deceased, visits to your home, lessons learned from that person, good times shared. Such reminiscences celebrate the life of the deceased rather than being morbid and depressing about the loss.
Above all, don’t spend all your time saying how upset you are. The person who receives it might think you are the one who should be getting the condolence letter.

Apology Letters from Children

2009-01-28T05:40:00.000-08:00

Let’s pretend that your child knocked a baseball through a neighbor’s window. Even if the child apologized on the scene, a note of apology is called for. It should

Be prompt.
Acknowledge fault and apologize.
Offer to make amends.

It should also be written in ink and signed Sincerely. The envelope should have the sender’s name and address in the upper left, and the addressee’s name should be preceded by an honorific such as Mr., Mrs., Ms., or Dr. (These, by the way, are the only honorifics that are abbreviated.) The letter will look something like this:

Dear Mr. Smith:
Please accept my apology for breaking your window the other day. It was careless of me, and I feel bad about it. I know all the trouble it has caused you. If you would like, I will repair the window myself. If you have made other arrangements, please send me the bill so that I can pay for the damage.
Sincerely,
Tommy Jones

Children and Thank-You Letters

2009-01-28T05:36:00.000-08:00

The thank-you letter is probably the first kind of correspondence your child will send. Make the experience as comfortable as possible. A thank-you note from a seven year old does not have to be spelled and punctuated perfectly. It is all right for a note from a child to look like a note from a child. Praise any effort a child makes to correspond. But the basic rules apply even to the very young. The note needs a salutation. Mention the specific gift or favor. Sign with Love or other appropriate sentiment. Later, thank-you notes can include an acknowledgment of the effort behind the gift: “You must have spent the whole day baking these cookies.” You can also let the giver know how the gift will be used: “These cookies will be a big hit at my sleep-over party tomorrow.” And yes, a child must send thank-you notes for Christmas gifts unless the giver is present—and is properly thanked—when the gift is opened. Don’t allow your children to use preprinted thank-you notes. They defeat the purpose of giving personal thanks for a personal gift.

Children and Correspondence

2009-01-28T03:06:00.000-08:00

Children who write notes and letters give a great deal of pleasure and have a better chance of experiencing the pleasure of receiving correspondence in return. More important, they grow up imbued with the knowledge of the power and pleasures of personal correspondence.
It is never too early to begin giving your children a respect for the written word and the ceremonies surrounding it. Even before children are old enough to write, they will be aware that writing letters is an important activity: “I’m writing to Aunt Nora to thank her for ….”

Television and the Internet for children

2009-01-13T01:39:00.000-08:00

Parents have the right and the responsibility to exercise some control over how much television children watch and what programs they see. Parental control of television is particularly important when children are young but also applies to adolescents. Resist the temptation to use the television as a baby-sitter during the early years and prescreen as many programs as you can during the later years. We have to accept the fact that our youngsters will be drawn to the computer screen and will want to explore the wonders of e-mail and the Internet. However, they must know some of the hard facts about the very real dangers involved. Your children will be excited by the idea of unlimited freedom of expression and seemingly unlimited access to information. Therefore, make sure they know the following:

Good manners apply even in cyberspace.
E-mail can be retrieved and traced to the sender. Pressing the Delete key doesn’t make e-mail disappear forever, so be sure to review what you’ve written before you click the Send button.
You cannot be sure that no record remains of what you download just because you move it from the hard drive to a disk. People have gone to jail on the basis of what experts have been able to retrieve from hard drives their owners thought were clear of incriminating material.
Some dangerous creeps live out there in cyberland. A correspondent who claims to be a 15-year-old cheerleader may be a 50-year-old pervert. People must be very wary of agreeing to meet a computer acquaintance in person, and never, ever meet such a person in a private place, such as a home or a secluded park.
They will encounter some new and perhaps radical ideas on the Internet about things like drugs, sex, race, God, and Satan. Let them know that the best way to react to an idea they find intriguing or disturbing is to find out more about it and get different slants on it. Talking with parents, clergy, or someone they trust at school is always helpful.

Frequently Asked Questions on Children Table Manner

2009-01-13T01:12:00.000-08:00

Whenever I talk with children about table manners, they are full of questions. Some are delightful, some are difficult, and all are unfailingly interesting. Here are some of the most common questions:

What do I say if I burp? Say “Excuse me” to no one in particular and go on eating. Don’t make a big deal out of it.
Why do I have to act differently when people come to dinner? From the beginning of time, guests in one’s home have been given a place of honor and other special treatment. We are on our best behavior so that guests feel comfortable, special, and welcome.
What do you do if somebody at the table is a sloppy eater? The real question your child is asking is when to tell somebody that he or she is being rude. You can tactfully tell a good friend, out of the earshot of others, especially if you make light of it, but you can never tell a stranger. If you happen to be seated next to a slob, chalk it up to experience and set a good example yourself.
Which place setting pieces are yours? Your bread plate is always on your left, and your drink is always on your right. A good way to remember this rule is to remember that the word drink starts with the letters DR for “drinks right.”
What about finger foods? When it comes to fingers, use your head. Certainly, you eat things like ribs and tacos and corn on the cob—no matter what company you are in—with your fingers. For most foods, you will use cutlery. Some situations are not so clear-cut. In the Middle East and parts of Africa, for example, people still eat properly with their hands. The food of those cultures is designed to be eaten that way. So the best rule is “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” Adjust to the standards and customs of the culture you are in. It might even be acceptable to eat with your feet, but only if you are dining with a family of baboons.
Should I help to clean up? Offer. Whether you are at a dinner party or a picnic, the offer is the important thing. Sometimes the host will not want you to help. If so, don’t insist.
What if I don’t like what is being served? If eating at someone else’s house or with guests in your house, do not reject food outright. Eat some of everything that is served. If you don’t like a certain food, eat some and move the rest around on your plate as if you were eating it. This skill will serve you well through the years.
What if you can’t finish your food? In restaurants, where you can’t control the portions, there’s no problem. Either leave the food or ask for a doggie bag. At someone’s home, never take more than you know you can eat and always leave plenty for the others. If someone is serving you, you can always say, “Just a little, please.”
Should I bring a gift when I’m invited to dinner? Yes, but something simple and small. Plants are nice because they remind people of the giver as they grow. Lovely paper napkins, small books, candy, and fine nuts are also good ideas. If you bring brownies or cookies, give them in a sealed tin and say something like “I thought you might like these for the weekend.” Cut flowers are lovely, but they require the host to take time out to find a vase and arrange them. If a youngster is just “going over to Sally’s house” and will eat while there as usual, a gift is not necessary.

Table Manners Basics

2009-01-13T01:07:00.000-08:00

When your child has that first job interview over lunch or has dinner for the first time with the parents of a romantic interest, both of you will be glad that good table manners were a matter of routine at your house.
But every meal doesn’t have to be a lesson and eating should not be a chore interrupted by frequent admonitions. Children learn best through immersion and osmosis. In other words, if you have good table manners, it goes a long way toward assuring that your children will also.
The good news is that we are not talking about astrophysics here. Good dining etiquette requires only a simple awareness of the basics. Here’s a list of the most common mistakes that your child should learn to avoid:

Cutlery. The worst mistake is not using the wrong implement, but using it incorrectly—holding the fork in your fist like a cello or holding the knife like a dagger. In addition, after you use a piece of cutlery, it never goes back on the table. It is placed fully on the plate and not tipped like the oars of a rowboat with the handles resting on the table and the tips on the rim of the plate. The knife blade faces in, touching the inside of the plate; only the handle touches the rim of the plate. Never wave cutlery around to make a point.
Napkins. Never tuck. Place the napkin on your lap. Don’t flap it to open it. If you leave the table, leave the napkin on your chair, making sure the soiled part doesn’t mar the upholstery, and push the chair under the table.
Posture. Food doesn’t go down as well and you don’t look attractive when you slump. Sit up straight. You will actually be more comfortable. Keep your elbows off the table. If you don’t know what to do with your hands, put them in your lap.
Chewing. Chew with your mouth closed and don’t talk with food in your mouth. Also, don’t eat too fast. It’s bad manners and bad for digestion. You should try to eat at the same pace as others at the table: Begin and finish about the same time as everyone else.
The table. Keep keys, purses, gloves, and hats off the table. Nothing goes on the table unless it is part of the meal. Think of the germs they might spread and how unattractive it looks to have these objects on the table.
Breaking bread. Do not butter the whole roll or the whole piece of bread and cut it with a knife. Break off one bite-sized piece of bread or a roll at a time, and butter each piece before eating it.

First Names and Introductions

2009-01-13T01:01:00.000-08:00

Using first and last names properly is an area that most kids goof up. Tell young people that it is rude, even for adults, to call strangers by their first name. Upon meeting someone new, a youngster should call an adult Mr., Mrs., or Ms. until the adult asks to be called by his or her first name. Sometimes this happens right away, sometimes it takes a while, and sometimes it never happens.
When your child decides to introduce you to one of his friends or finally decides that it’s okay for you to meet her teacher, explain the cardinal rule about introducing people:
The star of the show gets top billing. In other words, mention the most important person first: “Mom, this is my friend, Marjorie Matthews.” Your child should learn to use honorifics when introducing adults to one another, including Dr., Captain, Mr., Mrs., and Ms. Here’s an example: “Doctor Cooper, I’d like to introduce you to my father, Mr. Carter.”
When introducing a teacher to a parent, the teacher’s name is used first: “Mrs.
Bornson, I’d like you to meet my mother, Mrs. Eastwood.” It helps to provide a little information about the people you’re introducing so that they will have something to talk about: “Mom, this is my friend Frank Hales. We’re in the glee club together.”
In introductions, dignitaries—congress people, clergy, elected or appointed officials, and so on— are mentioned first, to show respect for the offices these people hold. This practice does not mean that, as people, they are better or more important than anyone else.

Handling Sticky Situations

2008-12-29T18:20:00.000-08:00

Remember how much you hated it when Aunt Myrtle kissed you? It doesn’t hurt to let your child know that you hated it, too, but that you put up with it. Tell your youngster that the best strategy in handling this situation is simply to try to avoid it by sticking out his hand to shake. If that doesn’t work, he can turn his head a little at the last moment so that the kiss becomes a brush on the cheek. This motion is also a way of communicating the fact that he doesn’t like being kissed. But, no matter what, relatives are going to kiss kids, and it is uncool to refuse or to squirm around like an angry eel.
Also, it’s okay for your child to tell you that Aunt Myrtle’s gift is silly or ugly, but Aunt Myrtle must never know. Your response is that not everyone shares the same tastes and that the important thing is that Aunt Myrtle likes you and respects you enough to give you a gift. Explain to your child that he should, at the least, thank Aunt Myrtle and say, “It was really nice of you to think of me.” If pressed, the child can say, “Of course, I like it. You gave it to me.”
On the subject of gifts, keep in mind that youngsters are often discriminated against in stores. Teach your children to speak up for themselves in the right way. If they can see that they are being passed over in favor of adults, it is okay for them to politely say, “Excuse me, I think I’m next in line.” If they are being ignored when no other customers are around, youngsters can say: “Could you please help me?” Teach your child to ask for assistance, rather than to try to get someone’s attention by coughing, for example.
If your child asks you whether it is okay to ask an adult to stop smoking, say, “It depends.” You can’t ask someone to stop smoking in someone’s home or in other private places where smoking is permitted. Tip: If ashtrays are available, smoking is expected and permitted. You can ask someone not to smoke in public places where smoking is prohibited, but you must do so correctly. Here again, coughing is not an adequate way to let people know that smoke bothers you. Tell your child to say, “Would you please stop smoking?”
but don’t make a challenge or an accusation out of it. A good strategy is to tell the child to imagine that he or she is saying something like “It’s raining outside” and say, “Would you please stop smoking?” with the same facial and vocal expression.

Relations with Adults

2008-12-29T18:14:00.001-08:00

Kids and adults sometimes think of each other as alien species. This situation is tougher on kids than it is on adults because adults are bigger and know more. Both, however, tend to be a little uncomfortable when they meet for the first time. Adults may deal with this discomfort by saying dumb things like “Last time I saw you, you were wearing diapers.” Children sometimes deal with it by sulking or being silent or trying to be invisible.
This awkwardness is generally called shyness, and almost all children are afflicted with it to some degree. You can help alleviate this painful stage by passing along some of the following tips. However, your child or any young person will be on the way to overcoming the curse of shyness if you can get these two basic ideas across:

Everybody, regardless of age, is shy to some degree around new people or in unfamiliar surroundings.
Stop worrying about yourself and focus on the other people.

Here are my own helpful tips and tricks for young people:

Meeting someone new.
When young people meet someone new, they should ➤ Stand up.

Shake hands. In the Western world, shaking is an almost-universal gesture of goodwill.
Smile.
Look the other person in the eye and say hello. Use Mr., Miss, or Mrs.

When in doubt, use Ms. (pronounced “mizz”).

Breaking the ice.
Teach your child to use the following questions to easily open a conversation with someone:

Do you live in the neighborhood?
Do you have children?
How did you meet my parents?

Conversational tricks.
Young people need to know some of the conversational tricks we all use without thinking. Let them know some of the basics:

People like to talk about themselves.
People don’t mind questions, as long as the questions are not too personal (How much money do you make?) or downright rude (Why do you wear that ugly dress?).
Many personal questions are okay to ask: Do you have any children? Do you live around here? Did I see you out running in the park the other day?
Teach your youngster to become aware of the details that can spark a conversation. Remember that the idea behind all of this is not necessarily just to get your child to talk but to also get the other person talking.
If you notice skis or roller blades lying around, for example, ask about these sports. If you just finished reading a book, ask the other person if he, too, has read it. Talk about the latest flick you’ve seen or one you’d both like to see.
Listen carefully to the other person and don’t interrupt the speaker unless something important has come up that he or she should know. Then say, “excuse me.”
The truth is that when people say so-and-so is a good conversationalist, they really mean the person is a good listener.

Relations with Adults

2008-12-29T18:14:00.000-08:00

Everybody, regardless of age, is shy to some degree around new people or in unfamiliar surroundings.
Stop worrying about yourself and focus on the other people.

Here are my own helpful tips and tricks for young people:

Meeting someone new.
When young people meet someone new, they should ➤ Stand up.

Shake hands. In the Western world, shaking is an almost-universal gesture of goodwill.
Smile.
Look the other person in the eye and say hello. Use Mr., Miss, or Mrs.

When in doubt, use Ms. (pronounced “mizz”).

Breaking the ice.
Teach your child to use the following questions to easily open a conversation with someone:

Do you live in the neighborhood?
Do you have children?
How did you meet my parents?

Conversational tricks.
Young people need to know some of the conversational tricks we all use without thinking. Let them know some of the basics:

People like to talk about themselves.
People don’t mind questions, as long as the questions are not too personal (How much money do you make?) or downright rude (Why do you wear that ugly dress?).
Many personal questions are okay to ask: Do you have any children? Do you live around here? Did I see you out running in the park the other day?
Teach your youngster to become aware of the details that can spark a conversation. Remember that the idea behind all of this is not necessarily just to get your child to talk but to also get the other person talking.

If you notice skis or roller blades lying around, for example, ask about these sports. If you just finished reading a book, ask the other person if he, too, has read it. Talk about the latest flick you’ve seen or one you’d both like to see.
Listen carefully to the other person and don’t interrupt the speaker unless something important has come up that he or she should know. Then say, “excuse me.”
The truth is that when people say so-and-so is a good conversationalist, they really mean the person is a good listener.

Speaking of Respect

2008-12-29T18:13:00.001-08:00

Remember that you’re not dealing with a lower life form here. Children possess a basic, uncluttered wisdom. We cheat them by failing to share our losses and insecurities, our joys and triumphs. When you discover a commonality with your child, try saying something like “I know. I feel the same way when ….” Children’s questions may be blunt and basic, but often they want to know the same things as adults do. For example, a child may say, “Suppose I don’t know anybody at the party. Who do I sit with? What do I talk about?” You know how that feels, don’t you? But you might express it to another adult by saying, “Do you have any hints on how to work a room?”
Keep this point in mind the next time your child asks you a question.

The Most Basic Rules of Home Manners and Why

2008-12-29T18:11:00.000-08:00

One of the most asked questions about etiquette is, “Why do we have these rules and what wise guy made them up?”
You can respond to this question by telling a story:
About 11,000 years ago, humans made a big change in the way they lived. They found they did not have to continually roam through the forest hunting animals and gathering nuts and berries to eat. Instead, humans learned about planting seeds and domesticating animals. They discovered that they could live in one place, and survival was not such a desperate daily struggle. They had more food, more leisure time, and a greater sense of security.
Soon after, humans began to develop ways of getting along with each other with as little fighting, anger, and confusion as possible. They even began to eat together at the communal table, and you can imagine what this would have been like without rules.
During the 11,000 years between then and now, the rules changed and evolved as ways of living and relating developed. But the reasons for these rules are as valid now as they were at the beginning.
Young people like things summarized. So you can tell them that two basic guidelines have held up through the centuries and form a dual bedrock of good manners:

Be kind.
Treat people with respect.

The second most asked question is, “What’s in it for me?” You can answer this question by telling your child: “Learning the rules of etiquette will give you self-confidence. If you know how to behave wherever you are, you will be more at ease, and you will be able to put those around you at ease. People will get the message that you are one together person.”
You can go on to say that another reason to know the rules of etiquette is that people will treat you with respect if you treat them with respect.

Manners at Home

2008-12-29T18:07:00.000-08:00

“Why do I have to learn this etiquette stuff?”
“Because I say so.”
This time-honored bit of logical persuasion, like its colleague “siddown and shut up,” may end an argument, but does not create a wonderful learning environment. “When I was your age …” is not much better. (These tactics also weaken your position when you tell youngsters that the best way to make their point is to not yell or interrupt or make faces, but to listen to what the other person has to say before stating their ideas or point of view.)
The unspoken but mutually agreed-upon code of conduct that is the glue of a civil society is so much a part of our daily adult experience that we may have forgotten that we had to learn it, that children have to learn it, and that we have to teach them. No matter how cute their capers around the house might seem when they are very young, there will come a time—sooner than you may expect—when others will judge children harshly and, possibly, criticize them sternly for the sort of behavior parents may be inclined to overlook or dismiss as high spirits or “growing pains.” Thus, etiquette training begins at a very early age. We are teaching as we interact with children around the dinner table or in the playground. While we teach the rules, we also teach the reasons behind the rules, and what we’re actually teaching is respect for others.
When you begin to teach children about the idea of manners and the rules of etiquette, you can expect to be challenged. The challenge will almost certainly take the form of questions, and you had better be armed with some answers.

How to Address Religious Leaders?

2008-12-13T04:48:00.000-08:00

The pope of the Roman Catholic Church is addressed as His Holiness, the Pope, or as
His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI, Vatican City, 00187 Rome, Italy.
A cardinal is addressed as His Eminence, John Cardinal Krol, Archbishop of Philadelphia.
A bishop or archbishop is addressed as The Most Reverend Thomas Jones, Bishop of Dallas.
A monsignor is addressed as The Right Reverend. A priest is addressed as The Reverend Father, a nun as Sister Mary Catharine, and a brother as Brother Thomas Mann. A member of the Protestant clergy is addressed as The Reverend Thomas Jones, with the letters D.D. after the name if the person has a doctor of divinity degree. An Episcopal bishop is addressed as The Right Reverend. The words The Venerable precede the name of an archdeacon.
A Jewish rabbi is addressed as Rabbi Thomas Wise, with degree initials following the name. A cantor is addressed as Cantor Thomas Wise.
The patriarch of the Eastern Orthodox religion is addressed as His Holiness, the Ecumenical Patriarch of Constantinople, Istanbul, Turkey. In this religion an archbishop is The Most Reverend, a bishop is The Right Reverend, and a priest is The Very Reverend. The rules and customs for addressing people and for extending and acknowledging invitations are not new. They have evolved over many generations and have come into existence for very good reasons. All of us care about how we are addressed, and part of having good manners is caring enough to address others properly.

Other Addressing Etiquette

2008-12-13T04:46:00.000-08:00

Unmarried Couples
Address the envelope to a couple living together but not married with each name on a separate line, flush left, alphabetically, with no and between the names.

Children and Teens
Girls are Miss from birth until 21, when they may wish to be become Ms. However, girls’ envelopes are generally addressed by name only until they become teenagers, when Miss is used more often.
Boys are correctly (but not necessarily) addressed as Master until age eight, when that term is dropped in favor of the given name and no title. He becomes Mr. at age 18.

Messrs.
Abbreviated from the French for Misters (Messieurs), Messrs. applies only to brothers, not to other male family members like uncles or fathers. If the envelope is going to all of the brothers in the family, it is addressed to The Messrs. Smith. If it is going to two of the three brothers in the family, for example, it is addressed to The Messrs. Lawrence and David Smith. The same rule applies to Misses.

Esquire
Originally, Esquire was the title applied to a knight’s eldest son or to the younger male members of a noble house whose hereditary title was borne only by the eldest male heir.
The title is seldom used today and only if the person being addressed is a lawyer, male or female. It follows the person’s name and is usually abbreviated as Esq. It can also be written out in full in the address. Do not use a prefix (Mr., Mrs., and so forth) when Esq. is being used after the name. When writing to a lawyer and spouse, drop the Esq. and address the letter to Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.

Addressing Officials
The proper forms for addressing various officials follow. The honorifics, Mrs. or Ms., may be substituted for Mr. where appropriate. If the official is a woman, give her husband’s full name: Elizabeth Smith and Mr. Harold Smith. If the wife of the official uses her maiden name, use that instead of Mrs. Smith.

Etiquette in Addressing Doctors

2008-12-13T04:45:00.000-08:00

When both halves of a couple are medical doctors, the envelope can be addressed as
follows:
The Doctors Peterson
or
Doctor (Dr.) Judith Peterson
and Doctor (Dr.) Michael Peterson
or
Doctors Judith and Michael Peterson
If Judith goes by her maiden name, the correct form is
Dr. Judith Holmes and Dr. Michael Peterson
If only the husband is a doctor:
Dr. and Mrs. Michael Peterson
or
Dr. Michael Peterson and Ms. Judith Holmes
The name with the title goes first. So, if Judith is the doctor:
Dr. Judith Holmes and Mr. Michael Peterson